Short and Sweet

I know I promised a lengthy update, but I have RA and I woke up in the night with a flare. I am in bad shape right now, pain really bad. My hands are killing me, but I want to let you know what's going on.

First last weekend, I got bit/stung by this huge black bee. 3 weeks ago I had a run in with a nest of bald faced wasps...and a few weeks before that I was stung/bit by a yellow jacket. I tell ya, I must look like something bees don't like. But each time my reaction has worsened. With this last one, my whole arm swelled up from the wrist to past the elbow (I was stung midway between). It hurt and itched and was real red and hot. Then about 4 days later it turned a lovely shade of purple. It's all cleared up now, but I hope I can make it the rest of the year without getting stung again.

As for my job, it's fabulous, but we have a dress code and evidently I'm having a difficult time following it...at least according to a woman that works there. I even went home one day and changed. She is relentless. Friday I got called to the Principal's office and finally got the low down. I guess this woman used to be in charge a few years back and she is having trouble giving up control. So with me being the new girl, she feels inclined to pick on me. Her emails are real passive aggressive. I told my principal that I'm not going through this again and he is behind me 150%. He said the next email I get, I am to forward it to him. Then he will go tell her a thing or two and also to leave me alone. Finally, someone on my side. He said he has seen me everyday and I am dressing fine, better then some of the others that have been there for years.

Also, apparently the honeymoon is over with my students. I have a few that are acting up and testing the boundaries. I didn't want to be a bad guy because that is what they deal with all day long. But I think with a few, that's all they understand, so last week when one had pushed to far, I went and got the guard and had him escorted out of my class. The rest of them then saw that I mean business and won't tolerate being disrespected like that or having someone distract the class and inhibit their learning. Their behavior did a 180. The one student that was involved in the gang mob years ago gave me a smile and thumbs up. He also stayed after class and said that I'm doing a good job, that he likes the way I treat them and that the guy I tossed is a jerk. He then went on to tell me that it was his birthday and that he was going to be giving his mom a gift. He had made a beautiful cutting board for her. I went over and had the teacher show me his and it was amazing. I went back and told him that I was impressed. That those kinds of boards sell for a small fortune in upscale kitchen supply stores. You could see the pride all over his face. He was smiling like the Cheshire Cat. He said he didn't know he could do something like that having never had the chance before. I told him he could get into wood working when he got out and make a pretty good living at it. He said he'd like that. 

Now about the challenge. I worked out 3 of the 5 days last week. I got that awful headache that prevented me from doing one of the days. I haven't "worked out" this weekend, but I worked for 5 hours in my garden/yard yesterday (maybe that's why I hurt so much) and don't feel like doing much today. But I still managed to lose 3 pounds! I'm eating veggies out of my garden. It is doing so good, I haven't had a year like this in a very long time. My husband went fishing last week and we had fresh trout one night. I will continue to do what I'm doing and hopefully the pain will slack off in a few days and I can get back to working out.

I also plan to go to an endocrinologist soon to have all my levels checked. I had a growth on my thyroid removed back in 95 and I also had to quit taking my hormones because it's been 5 years and now my hot flashes are back with a vengeance. This doctor was recommended by a friend and helped her a lot. He uses all natural stuff and has a compound pharmacy right there, so I hope to get in soon.

And that's about all I can typr right now. I will post again when I feel better.
Have a good week everybody!

Squirrel

Just a note...PPC part II

Just a note to say, I'll be writing this weekend...please check back. Just wanted to be able to post this week before Pish closes the link. Been a busy week, another bee encounter, migraine headache, unruly students (guess the honeymoon is over) I'll be needing some advice from you on that subject and so on and so forth. So, I'll see you all soon.

Squirrel

Yep...I'm going to prison folks!

Yep, like everyday. 7am-4:30pm, 5 x a week.






I started the new job the middle of August and it's fantastic. No more dragon lady. No more BS. Where my previous job had 4 pages of duties, this job has one page of duties. My commute is twice as far. I make less money, but by golly folks I don't care because I love this job. Yes I'm working in a maximum security prison with youths that have committed some pretty awful crimes (more on that later), but I love it.

When I first got into education 23 years ago, I did it because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help kids. And I was doing that until about 7 years ago when I "moved up" and became an executive assistant to the athletic director and then moved to the registrar's position. I no longer was having contact with students. The first couple of years were okay. Frankly I was getting a little burned out working with troubled youth, but then I started to miss it. Then this last year, the universe forced my hand via some very mean people and I made the change.

So here I am. Everyday, I have to check in, stow all personal gear in our locker, no cell phones, money, keys anything can be brought in from the "outs". Then you go through to locked doors, via camera security to get to the inside. You go to "control" which is the guards central location. They view all the cameras, they control all the locks, they can see all over the facility. You check in with them, get your keys, ID badge and you are on your way. My office is above the gym. One of the only places there isn't cameras and the bathrooms. You are on camera everywhere you go. It only took a day for me to get used to that. I don't even think about it anymore.

There are 4 units. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie and Delta. Alpha houses youth that have done violent person on person crimes. Bravo are all the sex offenders. Charlie is all the non violent offenders and Delta is where the older offenders are. We have 128 youths ranging in age from 13-24. I am working in the "school" within the prison. I was hired to be a sort of girl Friday. Our state is now mandating that all graduates show proficiency in reading, writing and math. There are 2 different tests that need to be given to every youth working towards their diploma twice in the fall and then again in the spring. So I am in charge of all the testing, record keeping and state reporting. I also am the librarian and assist in classrooms. There are other things I do, but those are the main ones.

Two weeks ago, one of our teacher's husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. So I have been subbing for her government class. I have 2 classes a day. Each unit has a contained classroom. And has 2 guards. One sits in the room and one sits outside in the day room. There are also cameras everywhere and a huge red panic button right behind my desk "just in case". It has been great. I have been talking to these kids about the importance of respect and responsibility and how they need to get their diploma to have any chance at all of a decent future on the outs. All of the boys have been great. I mean of course you have your ones that want to talk and there is the class clown, just like on the outs. But I grew up with 3 brothers, I have 2 sons, so I know boy behavior. They are all polite and I actually feel safer then in the public school system. And these boys are very well behaved. They have to be or there will be consequences.

Last week I connected with a couple of them. They treat me with respect. They ask how I'm doing. There was one day when one of the other aides came in and she was making a big fuss over how I wasn't paying close enough attention to what they were doing one their computers (we have visionware, so I can see what each of them is doing on their computers from my computer at my desk). Anyway, the next day, one of the boys ask if I got in any trouble over it. He wanted to know if she told my boss. He said that he liked the way I treated them like human beings and not animals. He said that what the others don't understand is, when they yell at them and treat them badly it just makes them more angry and less motivated to do what is being ask. He said he likes the way I treat them like they matter and that I really care. I thanked him for saying that and he told me to have a nice weekend. I later found out that he is one of the 2 kids in for murder. He was 14 (now 18) when he got tangled up in a gang fight with his brothers and uncle and he stabbed a guy and later the guy died.

The other boy that I have made a connection with is very quiet and just works away. The day when I was talking about respect and how they demand it from others, but first they need to respect themselves by doing what is right and working hard on their education while they are in here, so that when they get out they have a chance at a different life. I got his attention, he turned around and was listening and made a few comments. After class he came up to me and we talked about what that all means etc. I later found out he is one of the major gang leaders in this state and he has also killed someone.



I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though these boys are criminals, they are just boys deep down. And I am finding it's like I thought all along. Kids are a product of their environment. Almost every one of these kids has had the shittiest home life possible. Or they connected with a male figure (because their father wasn't in the picture) and that person was in a gang, so the kid joins so that he feels he belongs somewhere and has a group of people that care about him.

I am going to write more stories about these boys and what my new life is like as time goes on, but for now I will leave you with this one...

Last week when I was covering the class, they ask if I could play music. So I put Pandora on my computer. Some different hip hop and rap songs played and then Adele's song "Rolling in the Deep" comes on. I was just waiting to hear them start talking smack, but a funny thing happened. A couple of them started quietly started singing along. Then I noticed some were tapping their foot or fingers. Then I heard one ask "Who is this?" and another says "She's that one that won all the awards on the Grammy's" then a couple of others said "Her name is Adele". Then another asks me "I heard she's pregnant, is that true?" So here are all these "tough" guys and they know Adele...I had to smile. They are just boys.



Oh by the way, what pushed me to start writing again is that Pish is starting a new challenge, YAY Pish! So even though it's too late for me to paste my squirrel on her page, I'm in! And I promise I'll write every couple of days about my job, life and her challenge. My summer was crazy busy with my recovering from the heart attack, my son getting married, me making the wedding gown, my garden, oh and then there is the story of me being attacked by a nest of bald faced hornets, and my beagle diagnosed with cancer, but she's hanging in there...these are things I'll write about in the future. But for now I'll just say I'm sorry I've been out of touch for so long. Take care and we'll talk soon.

Squirrel

Signs

It has been a rough couple of weeks people. The job was sucking worse the closer I was getting to the end. The 2 bitches were doing everything in their power to make me miserable and it was working as hard as I tried to not let it get to me. I couldn't understand it, I was leaving, just leave me the hell alone and let me finish out what I had to do. I had to say goodbye to some of my favorite students and teachers, telling them I wouldn't be back next year. I had one week to go.

Anyway, I subscribe to this thing that sends me messages from the universe everyday. The morning of the day this happened I got this message:

For every setback, disappointment and heartbreak, ask yourself, "What does this create the opportunity for?"

And therein you will find its gift.

Everything has a reason,
The Universe

That night it began at 2am. I was ignoring the pain, assuming it was a pinched nerve or something else. It felt a little less intense sitting on the couch, so I just sat out there and ended up falling back asleep. (now the day before had been extra horrible from the bitches and I had been told I needed a degree for the new job. So when I went to bed I thought I was going to have to stay at my old school and was a little very upset about that).

Anyway, about 4:30am the pain woke me up again. I was sweaty, my chest was really hurting and now it was in my shoulder and neck and knifing through to my back. I looked up symptoms on my Ipad and some fit but some didn't. About this time my husband realized I wasn't in bed and came to see what was going on. He said we are going to the hospital and I said no, I'll be okay. This back and forth went on for almost an hour. Then I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I felt this fear wash over me and something said "Go to the hospital NOW!" I got some clothes on walked out to the living room and my husband said can we go now? and I said yes.

So we drove across town to the hospital (35 minutes) and no one was in the ER. It was completely quiet. They took me right in and went to work. It wasn't 5 minutes later and all hell broke loose. The nurses said they'd never seen it this busy, that I'd started something.
My first nurse was wearing purple scrubs with butterflies, her name was Angela. (I read it as Angel) My mom's favorite color was purple and she had a thing for butterflies. My doctor's name was Albright. (I read it as Alright).They began hooking me up to all these machines, putting needles in me etc. Pumping me full of stuff, having me take nitro etc.

I was so scared. Terrified in fact. I was thinking "This is it, I'm going to die". I was bawling and my husband kept saying it's going to be okay, but I could tell he was scared too. He just kept staring at the monitor. I started telling him how stupid I've been staying at a job that I hated and had my priorities all screwed up. How much I loved him and the kids, to please tell the kids. I told him I want to "LIVE" my life! I want to have fun again. I love the ocean. We are about an hour away and used to go all the time. It's been over a year since I last went. I told him I want to go. I want to go camping and hiking and do things I've always wanted to do but put off. I told him if I make it, I am going to change the way I live. I'm going to start having fun again and trying new things and doing the things I used to do, but never made time for. I want to read the stack of books collecting dust. I want to figure out a way to go visit my daughter that lives in Scotland. I'm tired of just going through the motions, that's not what life is supposed to be.

At that moment they decided I needed a CT scan. They feared because of my AFib I may have thrown a clot into my lungs. When they wheeled me into the CT room, there was a big "Believe" stenciled on the wall (That's my mantra. I have it all over the place). Then I looked on the ceiling and there was this stained glass panel over the lights that was all these butterflies. I immediately felt and knew my mom was with me. I felt this warmth and calm wash over me. I just knew I was going to be okay. I relaxed and giggled. The tech asked if I was okay and I said yeah I feel really happy and he said must be the drugs, but I knew otherwise.
When they took me to my room it was number #321. The number 3 and 4 kept popping up too. I have a book that interprets number messages from angels. These are special numbers.

My new nurse's last name was Rodger. (That's my dad's name). There was a wipe board in the room that they wrote info on. They used a purple pen. There was also a picture on the wall of a butterfly.
Between times when people were in my room, I flipped on the TV and was surfing and stopped on a Will and Grace. It was an episode about his dad being a workaholic and not accepting him for who he was. They got in a big fight and he left. The next day his mom called to say his dad had had a heart attack and when Will asked where they were, she said he didn't make it.

That night after everyone left, I couldn't sleep, so I again turned on the TV and was surfing and came to the movie "Signs". It was at the exact part where he is asking Marrel if he believes in signs...

The next day, I was laying in bed and was staring out the window and thinking about everything that had happened and how I could have died and how I was not living my life the way I wanted to, my priorities were screwed up etc. And I was thinking of asking the nurse if they had a pastor or someone in the building like that I could talk to. At that second, there was a knock on the door and in walks the hospital pastor! After we talked for a few minutes and I told him what I had just thought. He said he doesn't visit every patient. Before he starts his day, he prays and he asks God to guide him to the people that need him.

After he left, a few minutes later in walks my pastor's wife. She is a dietitian at the hospital. She had seen my name on the board and stopped by to check on me. We had a long talk about life and God and signs too.
When I got home, I was checking my email and here was the message from the universe:

Rainbows and butterflies, cattails and dandelions, waterfalls and rainforests, puppy dogs and dragonflies, sea foam and orcas, sunshine and comets, snowflakes and icicles, wildflowers and you... Did I think of everything, or what? And now you can think of whatever you want, no pressure.

And then this was the one for the next day: The best way to forgive, is not to blame. Besides, we have forever and ever to look forward to. And then here is today's: It's not the steps that matter, but the path. And the path will take care of itself, when you keep focused on your destination. I'm sure some of you don't believe in all this, but I do and it got me through. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason and there is a plan. This whole experience reaffirmed that for me. Right up until that day I was still questioning my decision to change jobs. But not now. I got the message loud and clear. And by the way, all the people I worked with for nearly 9 years, that I cared so much about that I didn't want to put any strain on by changing jobs and them having to train someone new...never got me a gift, flowers, even a card that they all signed saying good bye! I also never heard boo from any of them while I was in the hospital. All that makes it easier to walk away too. I had to go back to work yesterday to wrap up loose ends and turn in my keys. As I was driving down the driveway looking at the school in my rear view mirror I felt calm, happy, a weight lifting off my shoulders. There weren't any tears or sadness, just relief. I know I am doing the right thing. So now it's on to the next chapter of my life. I was lucky. It was a mild heart attack, no long term damage. It was a wake up call. I just need to take it easy a few weeks and then be able to resume normal activities.

Too much for my body to take...

Sorry it's been so long and this is going to be short.
The past few weeks have been so damn stressful, emotional etc. that my body said enough. I got out of the hospital yesterday after being in for a couple days after a mild heart attack. I have some stories to tell, but for now just wanted to let you all know why I've been absent. Doctor wants me to rest and take it easy for a few days. But I'll write a full update in a couple of days. Just wanted to let you all know I'm okay and boy did nearly dying change my whole perspective about life. It had to be one of the scariest things I've ever been through. I'm a little loopy right now, but to you dad's happy fahrer's day and to everyone else, happy life.

Random stuff

The person at HR that is to make the final decision was out all day yesterday. I am hoping she is in today. I want to know that I got the job for sure and when I can start.

On another note, I had told my kids I was going for this job at the prison, so last Friday on my way to the interview and tour, I texted them "On my way to the prison, wish me luck"! To which my son replies "There's a sentence I never thought I'd hear my mom say".

Then yesterday he texted to ask if I'd heard anything and I texted back "No, the lady at HR is out, but the guy from the prison really wants me." to which he replies "Second sentence I never thought I'd hear my mom say".



I subscribe to this service that sends an email with a message everyday from the universe. I opened my email this morning and found this:

 "Life's magic is a lot like a swift flowing river, Cindy. No matter how long you've overlooked it or unwittingly swam against it, the instant you stop struggling you're back in the flow, hat down low, coolest cat on the block."



I got goosebumps. It's like the universe is really paying attention. It's sounds like the post I did a few days ago.


That's it for now. I'll let you know anything when I know. Everyone cross your fingers and toes.

The Kreativ Blogger Award

Ken over at ken-inatractor bestowed this award on me over the weekend. Thank you very much Ken. I'm smiling from ear to ear and feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I just wish I could figure out how to put this on my page. I got a different award a few weeks back and I'd really like to display them proudly.

So anyway, here's how this goes:

THE RULES:
1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog.
2. Answer seven questions.
3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.

4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others.

#1. What is your favorite song?

That depends entirely on my mood. I love all music. I mean I listen to country, classical, rock, jazz, rap, pop, you name it I listen to it. If you saw the selection in my IPod, you'd think it had to be from several different people. But lately I love the song by Kelly Clarkson "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" because of what I've been going through lately and it always seems to play right when I need to hear it.

#2 What is your favorite dessert?

Anything with caramel. I love that stuff. I can just eat caramel sauce with a spoon and be in heaven.

#3 What do you do when you are upset?

Depends on what kind of upset. For instance when my mom suddenly died, or my son went to Iraq, or I had to put my dog to sleep, I bawled for days. I can't eat or think. I just sort of sit and stare and cry. I also sleep. I think it's an escape for me.

But if you mean upset as in angry, I usually shut down and hold it in. If I'm being confronted, I cry, which makes me even more angry. Then after a bit of processing, I pull myself up by the boot straps and start being proactive instead of reactive and try to do something about whatever happened to make me angry in the first place.

#4 Which is your favorite pet?

I'm a cat person. I've had cats since I was 6 months old. But I also love dogs. Currently I have a 20 lb Maine Coon named Ducati, that is the bestest cat ever. He has an amazing personality and I just love him to pieces. But I also have a beagle named Biscotti. She is gentle and loving and as sweet as can be.

#5 Which do you prefer, white or wheat?

Definitely, wheat, in fact the more grains and seeds the better.

#6 What is your biggest fear?

I used to say heights, but it's actually the possibility of falling from someplace high, so I guess it's falling, which I guess actually translates to pain...yeah, pain. I'm afraid of pain.

#7 What is your attitude mostly?

This question I had to think about. It's asking for my attitude, not my mood. I'd have to say my attitude is to do the right thing, help others, be a good wife, mother, friend and generally good person. You know, follow the golder rule. If I am able to do those things, I will feel good about myself and be happy. 

Now the fun part, 10 random facts about me:

 I have 4 kids. I am from a family of 4 kids. My mom was from a family of 4 kids as was my grandmother.

I was born in Honolulu, Hawaii. I was a Navy brat. My dad was stationed there at the time. My first swim was in the Pacific Ocean when I was 6 weeks old.

I met my husband on a blind date set up by mutual friends. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary.

I have been in 2 horrible roll over car accidents and walked away from both with just scratches.

I once flew under the Golden Gate Bridge with my husband in his airplane...shhhh!

I met Nicholas Cage and Sean Penn when they were filming "Racing With The Moon" in front of the store where I worked.

I had 5 surgeries in 4 years. 3 were cancer related.

I quit smoking 9 years ago because my son asked me to. I tossed the pack in the garbage right then and never looked back.

I almost choked to death 4 months ago on a piece of popcorn. I was blacking out when my husband did the Heimlich and saved my life.

There were over 1000 entries in a Lego naming contest for the astrobots edition when NASA was going to Mars. The names I entered and won with were Biff Starling and Sandy Moondust. I won the Lego set featuring them and a rocket. My son was very pleased.

Now the hard part...picking out 7 people to give this lovely award to.

The Little Big Blog @ Little Big

Good Girl Gone Redneck @ Good Girl

I Like Beer and Babies @ I like Beer

Creative Devolution @ Creative Devolution
Dooce @ dooce
Telling Dad @ Telling Dad
A Little Bit of Sanity and a lot of Chaos @ sanityandchaos

I hope you all continue to write and make the world happy!

Fighting Against The Current

Have you ever heard the joke when the guy asks God, "Why didn't you give me a sign"?




Well, hindsight being 20/20, I can see clearly now. All the signs were there, but I ignored them. There are many reasons for this. I'm getting older and I was comfortable where I was. I knew my job backwards and forwards and did it well. It's getting harder to learn and remember things. I'd been there for going on 9 years and figured why change jobs at this point in my life. The other issue I've always had, is worrying about how my decision will affect others. And this time it was a hard one because so many people depend on this job being done quickly and correctly. There is a huge learning curve. It takes probably a good 6 months to get all the specs of this job down. And in the meantime the school, students and teachers suffer through. Our school has been through so many changes in the last year, I didn't want to add to it. So I was putting others before myself. Something I've done since I was a little girl.



But about a year and a half ago, there were signs, subtle at first, but they steadily increased in the discomfort level. I have had this happen before and usually listened. God was telling me it was time to move on, but I wouldn't listen. I was pushing against the current. I resisted, so he increased the discomfort and I still resisted. The harder he pushed, the deeper I dug in my heels.



Then I suppose he got tired of trying to gently push me into a new life, something that would be more meaningful and make a difference. A change that would make me happy. So he really stepped up and a little over a month ago, he lowered the boom. In one fell swoop, he took away any desire to stay where I was. But even then I resisted. I was scared. I stopped listening to the voice inside. The one that I had trusted in the past, that had never steered me wrong.



But then I had these friends, my new friends, that were there for me, supporting me. They didn't have any other motive then to be supportive and listen. So I listened to them. We are all going through life changing situations and trying to decide which direction we want our lives to go. We all want to be happy, start living the life we want, deserve. We all want more out of our lives.



So I turned and began flowing with the current. I stopped fighting it and went with it. I took a huge, gigantic leap of faith and it felt right. No anxiety or second guessing. I went for the interview and I felt good. Like I belonged. I knew this is what I'm supposed to do. When I left, I was happier, lighter, I felt fantastic. An hour later I felt even better. No feelings of regret or asking myself "What the hell have I done"?



Last night I had a dream. I was driving a stick shift up these very steep hills. Each time I'd get close to the top, the light would turn red and I'd roll back down the hill. There would be this evil Cruella DeVille type woman standing there with this creepy smile on her face. I'd hit the gas and try again. Each time, the stupid light would stop me. Then I yelled at her, "You don't control me, you have no power"! Then I hit the gas and made it all the way to the top. I woke up and felt free. For the first time in weeks, I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I didn't have to take a Xanax to stop the panic.



One of the greatest things that I have ever done, was to start reading a blog by this woman named Pish Posh. It was that choice that led to a whole series of events that led me to where I am right now. My life is about to start a new chapter and I have this new group of wonderful people in my life that I can't imagine being without. I guess you just never know how a choice whether big or small can change your life.

The Pish Posh Challenge

This week's post is to summarize what I have or haven't accomplished during these past 12 weeks.

I can say I lost weight, not as much as I wanted at this point, but more then if I hadn't done a thing. So I am proud of that. I got derailed a few weeks back by an evil person at my job, and that led to some depression, comfort eating, a lot of sleeping and some slacking off on the fitness routine. But I am going to use this 3 day weekend to get back into the habit of working out plus put in my beloved
garden!


I was able to forgive someone for a trauma that happened a very long time ago when I was a little girl and am working on the new version of our relationship, and it actually is going well.



I have gotten more organized in my home life, cleaned, organized and redecorated my sewing, inspiration room. Started on my closets, which are a mess. But I will get those done over the summer, as well as the garage. That damn garage gets a redo every summer. Then over winter something happens and by summer it's a mess and needs another going through.



I have stayed in better touch with my family. I have been up to see my kids more often in the past 4 months then I have in a year and the year's not over. I am also making a huge effort to stay in contact with my brothers even if it's just a text or few lines in an email.

I have learned that I am a lot stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. The crap that I have had to endure these past 5 weeks has been very difficult and yet I'm still here. I decided to take matters into my own hands a week ago and ask for a transfer to a maximum security all male prison for men under 21.


Today I stepped way out of my comfort zone and took a leap of faith.

I went in for a tour of the facility, met the staff, the principal, the guards and the inmates. These guys have raped, murdered, robbed, beaten and done horrible things to children. But I was okay. I didn't freak, I wasn't scared, nothing. The principal also did a couple of tests. He slammed a door a couple of times or dropped a heavy object onto the floor to make a loud sound and I didn't jump of flinch.

I got the job! It's less pay, a longer commute, I work more days, but I don't care. I felt like doing cartwheels in the parking lot. I was so happy! I feel a huge weight lifted off me. I am filled with joy and excitement. It's the first time in weeks I have felt this happy and relaxed...and it's because I'm going to work at a prison? My son said "Those are words I never thought I'd hear my mom say".

 
So my goals are easy, I am going to keep moving forward, keep growing and learning and changing. I will continue to eat well and exercise and have me time. I am working on simplfying my life. I will have a garden that I will tend to and eat from and can, dry or freeze the extra to have for the winter.

My son is getting married this summer and I will enjoy every single second relaxed and soaking up the joy of the moments. I'm making her dress and mine and the edding color is purple.



As for a friend that I promise to be there for...well this one is impossible. I have to say I feel closer to all of you, then I do to most people I work with on a daily basis. I have spilled my life and you have yours and we have been there for each other in a way I have never experienced before. But if I have to pick one to be an angel for I'd have to say Robin.



And of course Pish. You two have been amazing, incredible and the most loving, kind, people I have ever had the joy and blessing to have in my life. You are both amazing women. I think if the 3 of us were to get together in a room and brainstorm, the world wouldn't know what hit them.

But most of all, I have learned that you don't have to be in the same room with people to have friendship and love. I feel so blessed that I came upon this challenge at the time that I did. I don't think it was a coincidence. I feel I was led here by some higher power. Otherwise how do you explain the similarities that we are all going through right now, that in helping others we are helping ourselves. It was destiny and I plan on continuing to stay in touch with all of you challenge or not. You are a part of my life now. Thank you for being my friends.

I'm Gonna Cut Me a Bitch!

I'm serious people. This evil woman is just pushing and pushing. Today she was walking around the outer office, moving shit around, I didn't see it, I was up in the vault pulling records. But the receptionist was there and asked what she was doing. Now this evil woman has serious issues with leaving things the hell alone. She has rearranged her little 8x10 office about 20 times so far this year. Anyway, she says to the receptionist, "I'm thinking of moving Cindy out here and move into her office". WAIT, WHAT, she said what??? Oh she thinks so huh? I mean it was her idea years ago before I started there to put the registrar's office where it is, because of all the confidential stuff you work on and it needs to be a locked room.

But then it hit me. Hahahahaha, she wants to play, okay I'll play. She wants me to throw a shitfit. She wants me to get all upset. She thinks it's just one more way she can stick it to me. But here's the deal. When I first started at this school, I worked in the alternative education dept. with the receptionist. We are good friends. So, tomorrow, I am going to haul all the senior files out of the vault and bring them into our outer office, where I'll set up a table and chair and start going through them all. We do this every year. We take out certain documents that we have to keep for several years. We give students their picture card and anything else we think they might want and the rest gets shredded.

While I work away on this project, my friend and I will be able to laugh, talk about our kids, what our plans are for the summer etc. just like we used to do when we worked in the classroom together. I'll even maybe let it slip that it feels like old times, maybe I should move out here instead of having a wall between us, stuff like that. Act like I wouldn't care at all if I was moved out. I plan on having fun with this one! Hey you gotta get your kicks anyway you can and boy I could sure use a laugh or 2.

So what do you all think?

I Honestly Don't Know How Much More I Can Take

Today at 3pm I get an email from the current principal that "the evil one" has completely screwed up the schedule. Now this has been one of my main jobs the last 4 years. She hasn't asked for my help, my input, nothing. It's a very intense process that takes months. We generally start in March. She just started last week and said that it was so easy. We usually send out polling forms and course catalogs to all the students and they write down their classes and electives for the upcoming school year, she didn't do it. She just was doing her own thing and going by last years schedule with her "improvements".

The next step once we get all the info, Is I enter all the data into our computer program. That's 650 students times 20+ choices. That let's us know how many sections of each class we will need to offer. So if there are 60 kids that want Art 1 that means we need to offer 2 sections to fulfill their wishes and so on and so forth.

Then we take that info,and start placing all these magnets with each class written on them on a huge schedule board. Once we get it all figured out making sure there aren't any conflicts (or as few as possible) I then get to put all that info into the computer program.

I have to put in the time, the room number, the class and the teacher for each class. We are on a trimester system with 5 classes a day. So it's a shit load of info to put in and I have to do it while I also do my job. It takes focus and concentration. You can't screw up or you could have 2 teachers in one room or the same class twice and so on. It's one of the reasons we start the process the week before spring break which is the last week in March.

Then we start computer simulations where the program starts putting students in classes. After a few runs, we see where we are at. It will let us know where the conflicts are etc. we then make adjustments and do it again. This goes back and forth until we get as many as we can to schedule by computer...usually 1/2 to 2/3. Then the rest have to be done by hand.

Well, the principal told me in this email, that it's now going to be my job to get it done by the end of school...WTF? We have 15 school days left. We have senior check out next week. That takes me a whole day. I have to go in to each of their transcripts and mark graduated and put in the date. That's another day. We have the day of graduation, which is an all day ordeal, plus I have to work it that night (usually until 10 pm) and then go to work the next day.

Then we have the rest of the student body check out day. I have to print out all the report cards, stuff and mail them. Then I have to print out all the seniors transcripts and send them to all the colleges of their choice, after signing and putting our official seal on each and every one. I have to pull all the seniors files to put into storage to make room for all the incoming freshmen. I have several reports I have to run for the district office and the state board of education.

I don't know how I am supposed to do it. The stress I am feeling right now is crushing. Working at a maximum security prison sounds like a walk in the park. What the hell do I do you guys? I'm afraid that this has been her plan all along to give me the final up the ass. Do I bust my ass and get it done no matter what to just show everyone I can do it. Or do I just do what I can and if it doesn't get done, oh well.

Any advice would be awesome.

Pour my Heart Out

I think it's time to let you all know about the hold this evil woman had on me and why this whole mess has me turned inside out. And why it's taken so long for me to talk about it and to get angry enough to do something about it.

When I first moved here from California, my mother was so pissed. She couldn't believe I was actually moving away and taking her grandchildren so far from her.

I always thought that my mom and I were so very close. We saw each other nearly everyday and talked on the phone off and on through out the day. I didn't realize at the time that her love came with strings attached...no, not strings, ropes and chains. She basically disowned me. Told me I was such a dissappointment. I've never done anything right, etc.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months. I'd take the kids and go down there for visits every 4 weeks or so, trying to mend fences. It took a year to get her to come up here and see my house. My home is beautiful. There is no way we could have afforded anything like this in CA. It's a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath on wooded 5 acres. I have room for a garden. There are fruit trees. We are 1/2 a mile from a huge river that we have a view of from our mountain top. There are deer, wild turkeys, all kinds of wildlife.

We had looked at dozens of houses in CA and the best we could get was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath dumpy fixer in a shitty neighborhood. She never said boo. Not a word about how beautiful it was, the quiet and serenity, nothing! I mean we have this huge deck on the back side that looks out at the view and my yard/garden...nothing! My grandma said she thought she was jealous. I said no one is forcing her to stay where she is. In fact a few years later, she moved from Sonoma County to the LA area...wait, what??? You heard me. From one of the most beautiful places to the concrete jungle.

In the 15 years we have lived here, she only came up 3 times and one of those times was because of my son's graduation and they stayed at a motel in town and came up the day of and turned around and went back the next day . My dad would come up alone 2-3 times a year. He loved it here. He even talked about moving here too, but she'd have no part of it.

So after that visit, I quit trying so hard. At the time, my grandmother was still alive and I was very close with her. She lived in northern CA and I would take the kids and go down and see her often. I was her first grandchild and my kids were her first great grandchildren. She loved us all to pieces. She was my favorite person in the whole world.

Flash forward many years. I get a full time job with this school. I had been on the sub list for years (I had worked in a school district as a special ed assistant for 10 years in CA). So I finally get a position as an ed assist in the alternative education department. I did that for 2 years and then applied and got the position of administrative assistant to the Athletic Director. Then 2 years later, my principal moved me to the registrars position. She felt my computer skills, organizational skills, my attention to detail etc. would be a perfect fit for this position. I've been here for 4 years now.

Up until this time I had had very limited contact with the evil person. Now my office was right next to hers. In the beginning I was scared to death of her because of all the rumors. But as time went on and I got to know her, I thought "This woman isn't so bad". Oh little did I know. I was so naive.

Oh wait...back up. When I was the athletic secretary, my grandma died. It was awful. I felt so lost. But I think it woke my mom up to the fact that life is short and how she had been treating me blah blah blah. We (she) began rebuilding our relationship.

So anyway, last year, January 2011, my mom goes to bed and passed away in her sleep (the same way my grandma did by the way). Just like that she was gone. I got the call on my cell while at work from my brother. I just melted down, right there in my office. Everyone thought I'd just gotten bad news about my son that was in Iraq, because I was just freaking the fuck out.

So I took time off, went to CA to be with the family, help with her arrangements, etc. We had a beautiful memorial. We spread her ashes at sea among the dolphins off Catalina Island. It was truly amazing.

When I got back, I was having trouble with it all. There was still so much unsaid. So many issues left out there. Well, the evil woman saw this, because she had had a similar relationship with her mom. So she started counseling me. She brought me tapes, books, CD's etc. to help get me through it. We got close. I would confide in her. She would listen and give me advice etc.

Now fast forward to this school year. Last November she came and told me that the office manager told her I had had a melt down in the front office with the fax machine (no I didn't, I just smacked it and said "This thing is such a dinosaur, why can't we get a new one"?!) It takes forever to fax anything. It's a piece of crap. I think it's one of the original models they made.

Anyway, she tells me this and I'm thinking, why did the office manager have to tell her that? Weird. So I go ask her why she said that, why not come talk to me herself if she had an issue? Then she says, she hadn't said anything...and I'm thinking "WTF?" Then evil one shuts me out. Doesn't talk to me, doesn't say good morning, nothing.

After about 4 days, I ask "Did I do something to piss you off?" And she says, "Well, I don't appreciate you going to the office manager and checking up on me." And I said "What? I didn't. I just went and asked why she didn't come to me instead." And then it hit me...they were talking to each other about me, but denying it. The hair on my neck stood up and I realized I couldn't trust either one of them. They were up to something. I'd seen this before done to other employees.

Now the office manager is a classified employee like me. She is supposed to be someone we can go to about things and keep it to herself. She is the liaison between us and administration. But in the case of this one, she crossed the line. That's when everything became about work only. I never talked to the evil one about personal stuff again. Once you break trust with me, that's it!

I knew they were up to something. At first I thought I was just paranoid, but then others started noticing it. As I said before, we had seen them do this to others. Then I saw an email from one to the other that had been left on the printer. My suspicions had been confirmed.

So now fast forward to my evaluation. She sits me down at 3:45pm on a Friday afternoon, she knew I was going to be devastated because she said it to me as she handed me the paperwork. She knew my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, how to cut me to the core and she used it all. As I read the evaluation, she was talking and saying mean, cruel, hurtful things. I started crying, I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. She then told me "To knock it off, to stop being such a drama queen." When I could finally speak, "I asked, so what happens now?" And that's when she said "I'm not sure. I've never had to do this before. We will have to check with the principal on Monday. But all I know is you are done. You are no longer wanted here." Then she got up, gathered her stuff, told me to lock her door and left. She fucking left!

When I came out. Everybody was gone. I walked into my office and called my husband. He said he'd come and get me, but I told him no, I'll be okay, just to give me some time, I'll be okay. I sat here for I don't know how long. Then went out and got in my truck and sat there. My husband called and asked again and I said I was okay, I'd be home soon. Then I sat and cried and cried. I called my kids and told them and then cried some more. Finally I was able to drive home about 6:30pm. I was so devastated, so hurt, so scared, everything was crashing down around me. I was thinking what am I going to do? I have all this debt. My husband is laid off. We need my insurance. We both have health issues. My son is getting married this summer, it all just started spinning and swallowing me alive... I thought about suicide.

I didn't sleep at all and when I did it was nightmares about her laughing at me, telling me how worthless I was, my husband leaving me, so on and so forth.The next morning I came up to the school and cleared out my office, because I didn't want to leave that for someone else. I went home and unloaded and put it all in the garage. I spent time in my yard with my dog and my cat. I called my kids, my brothers, my dad and then started taking pills until I passed out. When my husband came home, he put me to bed. He knows that I deal with this kind of thing by sleeping...little did he know. I even had wrote notes and put in my underwear drawer.

But I woke up the next day...I know it was stupid, thoughtless, selfish, but we all know how it is when you are spinning in the darkness. You see only one way out to make it all stop. You just don't want to hurt anymore.

So, there it is and here I am. Just trying to fight my way back. To not only be able to keep my job, but get rid of her. I am in constant contact with my doctor. I'm on anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, etc. It's a good thing I quit drinking 2 years ago, because this is the kind of thing that would have put me into the bottom of a bottle daily. It's the first time in the years since I quit that I am fighting the urge every damn day again. She has been successful in running off teachers, office staff etc. She's just a mean, evil bitch and enjoys it. She needs to go and I want to be the one to take her down.

Have any of you had similar situations? How did you cope. What did you do to manage?

Where Do I Start? So Much in One Day!

Wow, what a crazy ass day! Okay, first I call the guy at the juvenile detention center to set up a time to come meet the staff, tour the facility (which happens to be a maximum security prison for the whole state for male offenders,(we are talking rapist, murderers, the whole shabang)and have my interview. So we set that up for Friday. He actually invited me to come for lunch so I could meet the whole staff at the same time in a relaxed atmosphere (score bonus points for being so nice).

I finally hear from my union rep. It's only been 4 weeks, but who's counting? Anyway, she says she has been working really hard on writing my report for my rebuttal and has been going over all my notes, my documentation and emails from satisfied parents, students, teachers, colleges etc. Then she asked me to scan and email all the letters of recommendation to her so she can see if they'd be of any use. She emailed back a while later and said she was amazed at how good they are. She said she's never seen such good letters of recommendation before. She thinks that they will go a long way to prove our case. She is going to send her report to me in the next couple of days to read over and check for errors, maybe add or change things before we sit down with human resources.

Now the best part...this morning the office manager comes back to ask "the evil one" how scheduling is doing. And she replies "Oh, it's going great! It's like a puzzle. I'm actually having fun". Now mind you this is exactly what I always say about scheduling...then she says loud enough for me to hear "I don't know why (insert my name here) always complains and says she hates it! Ummm no, what I hate is after working on it for the last 2 months of the school year, then part of my summer break, coming back, the principal deciding to have change arena and having to change almost every single one. That's what I hate. Then she says she's going out to the DO to discuss becoming a Dean of Students ( which pays less then her current position of assistant principal) and then do my job as registrar so that they can afford to hire another counselor. As part of budget cuts last year, we let one of the counselors go. She loves this guy and feels bad that he is having to work so hard...the dude make 50k a year...has summers off...oh boo be fucking boo hoo. She thinks he walks on water and has had a really hard time being the only one on campus. So she actually thinks she will be able to do her job (a full time position), my job (a full time position), plus we are getting 2 new administrators this coming fall, so she will have to be helping them and she also is the part time administrator for our off campus alternative school. Yeah, she can do all of it...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I started laughing and had to walk out of the offices I was laughing so hard.

So, I just have to contact my union rep tomorrow and tell her that I have proof that this 70 year old woman has lost her fucking mind and needs to retire before someone gets hurt! I cannot believe that she thinks my job is so easy (which almost is all exclusively done on the computer which she knows shit about) that she will be able to do on top of everything else. Unbelievable. Sort of makes me want to leave just so she will crash and burn, but unfortunately I care too much about the school to let the disaster that would occur take place. Students and teachers would suffer because of her incompetence.



So what would you do? Fight for your job or walk away and let the chips fall where they may?

What a weekend

I am toast, beat, fried, wicked sore and I feel fabulous. I worked out in my yard again today for six hours. It was 90 degrees. I hurt all over, but it's that good hurt. I'm already in bed. I fell asleep on the couch and decided for my husband's sake, I'd come to bed now. I didn't want him to try to move me later after my muscles seize up. I"'ll write more tomorrow, but right now I must sleep. I just hope I can move tomorrow to go to work.

The Pish Posh Challenge

I feel like I have made some major improvements in all areas of my life. But I, like others don't view this as a 10-12 week change. I want it to be for the rest of my life. I will continue to eat healthy and exercise 5-6 days a week. I will continue to get stronger not only physically, but emotionally. I will continue to do everything I can to get out of debt. I want to get my life organized and less chaotic. I am currently spending a lot of time outdoors weeding and building planting boxes and getting ready to put in my garden next week. I can't wait. I absolutely love this time of year. From now until the fall. I will be outside everyday working until I can't take the pain anymore. Then I will have fresh produce to eat everyday. My husband helped me expand the garden area last weekend so that I can plant a bunch more. I always have a lot during the season, but not a lot of extra. I want to be able to can, freeze and dehydrate as much as possible. I am still reeling from the job evaluation I got 4 weeks ago, but I am getting over it and trying to move on. During those first few days, i had zero motivation. I didn't give a crap about anything. I just laid around and didn't do a damn thing. I was eating all wrong, I wasn't working out, I just didn't give a shit. But I had to stop feeling sorry for myself before i undid everything I had worked so hard for. Plus I realized I was giving her power and I needed to take it back. I go in for an interview and tour of the facility next week. I found out today that it's a maximum security prison for teens. That gives me pause. I thought it was just a juvenile detention center. They say I shouldn't ever be in any danger, but it still seems scary. I have lost 15 pounds all together and 3 sizes. I know that with me working in the yard more and working out, I will continue to lose and get in even better shape. As the garden produces I will eat fresh organic veggies almost exclusively. My goal is,to continue to grow and change and become the person I was meant to be. I'm going to be 55 this year and I want the rest of my life to be happy, relaxed, sweet, meaningful, productive and worthwhile. I have met some awesome people as a part of this challenge and think of them as friends, very close friends. I am so happy I began this challenge. You are all blessings in my life.

Hump Day

Well, I have made it halfway through the week without having an anxiety attack. I think finding out about the new job possibility gives me hope. I still haven't heard a word from my union rep...it's been over 3 weeks now! And that's why we pay dues, right? Been working on getting a bunch of letters of recommendation from teachers and staff for job hunting this summer in case this other gig doesn't work out. I've got 6 so far and everyone goes on and on about how awesome I am and yet I got the worst evaluation ever and fake fired...me no gettie. The thing that makes this new job the best,is it starts right away. Which means I can leave without giving my 2 weeks notice because it's still in our district. Now the person that "fired" me is in charge of scheduling this year. That is the main thing I do this time of year. I'm the only one left in the building that knows how to schedule with our system...except the office manager who also was partly responsible for the shit that hit the fan a few weeks ago. So if I get the new job, it is going to screw the 2 of them real bad. They may have to work their whole summer on it...oh darn, do I feel bad about that. bwahahaha! I heard karma's a bitch, just have never seen it in action. But will it give me bad juju if I celebrate it?

Awkward..

So I spend hours...well a lot of time on this post, then saved it. Then went to send it to everybody and it was gone, just poof! So I start this new one and it goes somewhere too. So then I do this 3rd one and I'm just sort of throwing stuff out and writing, figuring I'm going to lose it anyway, but guess what? Not this time...So it's on the blog, because I'm lazy and I don't want to do it again.

What an honor!!!

I am so excited, I have been nominated for the Liebster Award by Pish Posh. I feel so honored. I haven't been at this a long time. I started a different blog last year and was really getting the hang of it and then due to work and family issues, was forced to shut it down. I feel like I am finally getting back in to the swing of things and then I get this honor. Thanx for the heaping helping of confidence.
So the rules are to link back to the person that honored you and then link back to the one that gave you the award and then nominate 5 others you feel worthy of it. So drumroll please...

Pish Posh: This woman has saved my life on numerous occasions. She can be piss your pants funny one minute and kicking your ass with common sense the next. She started "The Challenge" 10 weeks ago and it has not only helped me, but many others. She is an inspiration helping others while having to deal with a lot of her own personal shit. She also does a cooking segment every Saturday, and let me just say, her sandwiches are freaking amazing! All I know is she has become on of my best friends, it's like we've known each other forever. Pish, love you, you are the best! Thank you!

Next just has to be "Jen" e sais quoi: This gal is a total crack up. Being from my home state and living in the same city as my kids, I can totally relate to her stories. She's smart, funny and her analagies just kill me every damn time. She also has this weekly posting of great food in Portland, perfect for when I visit my kids and they say "where do you want to go eat mom?" This last trip it was Pine State Bisquits and it was a winner winner chicken dinner!!! Keep up the great writing Jen.

Then comes Facebooking from the Edge: This girl is funny as shit. She was drug away from northern California to the upper part of New York state by her husband. Everytime I read her blog I laugh out loud. She has a way of putting you right there when she slips and falls, has issues with her neighbors, her dogs, the grocery store, her husband etc. She has sons in the military as do I. Her stuff is always relevent and she usually has pictures to make her point. Always good for a laugh. love her!

And what can I say about this woman? The Cowardly Feminist. She has been a godsend when it comes sticky situations at work. She has an e-book that will make you laugh your ass off and help you better understand shit at your own job. Her stories are well written and very relateable. Thanx Vesta!

Kisatrtle's Kreative Korner: love her Lunch Lady stories. She has also been a part of the Challenge and been sharing her struggles with the rest of us. She has crafts, tips and is just down to earth funny.

Thoughts and Reflection: Robin is another wonderful woman I met as part of Pish's Challenge and she has been cheering me on like a really good friend. She shares everything and makes you feel like you are chatting with a good friend. Hope things get better.

But I can't stop here, there a couple of others I must mention, There is Dooce over at http://dooce.com/, Ken at http://ken-inatractor.blogspot.com/, Turtle Tracks at http://tortugarachel.blogspot.com/2012/05/get-fit-challenge-week-10.html, and last but not least, The Transformed Non Conformist at http://transformednonconformist.blogspot.com/. I had to mention all these people too. They are either new or new to me and make me laugh everyday.

I care about each of you and I hope we all continue to stay in touch and that you all continue to do what you do, because you are making a in difference in people's lives. Bless you all.

What an honor! I don't believe it.

Ahhhhh, relaxation...the cure all

Going and staying with your family in Portland and waking up late, having husband running to Starbuck's for your favorite coffee, then going to the Saturday Market getting fresh food, bread, cheese, salami etc. then hanging out at the park in 85 degree weather...bliss. Can I do this everyday?

Pish Posh Challenge

I have just been off my game lately. This job mess has me all twisted up. I can't sleep, can't focus, I had a world class panic attack today even though the doc has me on Xanex all day. So I decided to do something proactive. I started asking other people I work with to write me a letter of recommendation. That way when the other shoe drops, I'll be ready to go looking. I've also decided that if "she" stays, I'm not going back. There is no way I will get a fair shake from here out anyway. So I guess my biggest challenge for the next couple of weeks is to be able to hang in there without having a full blown melt down. I need to get back to working out when I get home from work. I did it over the weekend along with the hours of yardwork. But with all that's going on, by the time I get home I am toast. The good news is, I'm hardly eating and when I do it's usually something healthy and light. My stomach has had issues lately. It's what happens when I get stressed. I have the opposite problem Pish has.

Give me courage

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday to bring her up to speed on how The Evil Witch has made my life a living hell ever since the mock firing (that's what I'm calling it until it's sorted out) and after listening to everything she asked "You do know that she is mind fucking you right?" Gotta love this doctor, she calls them as she sees them. So she told me on top of documenting everything that she does and says, she also wants me to document the good things I do. To not only show if and when there is ever a hearing, but also to remind myself that I am a good person and worthy of praise. So today, the student that I helped last week suddenly appears in my office and gives me a big hug and says Thank you so much Mrs.__________. My dad and I got the parts installed on my truck and I'm caught up in my classes, now all I have to do is stay on track and I'll be able to graduate. And he left with the biggest smile on his face. I wrote that down. It felt so good that I made a difference.

Pish Posh Challenge

Well, these past weeks pretty much kicked my ass and took no prisoners. I sucked at the challenge for 2 weeks. It was actually all I could do just to get out of bed in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. I think I only worked out once the whole time. I put on 3 pounds, which makes me mad, because I was making some headway. But these last couple of days, I have felt a little better, more energy, lighter etc. Today I spent 3 hours cleaning up my garden area. It hasn't been trimmed or attended to since last fall. You should have seen how long some of the roots were I pulled on. Amazing! But then after that I came in and worked out for another 45 minutes. It wasn't too bad. I don't think I lost a lot of my strength or endurance. It makes me mad how I could be just doing fabulous, things looking up and then WHAM! 6 pegs down and feeling hopeless. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and I am going to talk to her about how easy it was for my mood to tank. Does that mean I wasn't doing as well as I thought? Or was it just the series of events? In any case, I need to find out, because I can't hit that bottom again...it was bad this time. Anyway, I'm back with new determination and goals. Only 4 more weeks of work and then we go to break. I'll be busy with my son's wedding, my garden and some relaxation etc. I also will do some soul searching to try to figure out what I want to do with my life. I need to change some things, just need to decide in what way I will. So for the next few weeks, I am going to work out as much as possible, get more done in preparation for planting the yard and garden. I will eat well, get rest and just hang on. We are going to Portland for Mother's Day weekend, so I have that to look forward to.

No longer circling the drain...

I've been pretty down in the dumps of late, but the drugs finally kicked in and I'm feeling a lot better. I did something a couple of days ago, that made me feel fabulous and wish I could do it as a job. Anyway, I over hear this teenage boy talking about how his life is just out of control. There is just too much to do and not enough time to do it. I could hear the pain in his voice, he was crying and I knew he was at that point...you know the point where you feel like there is no way out? That life is just going to keep screwing with you and you'll never feel on top of it again? I know that feeling and I knew I had to help.
So I took him into my office and I said, "How do you eat an elephant"? And he just looked at me. I said "One bite at a time". So I got out a piece of paper and said tell me what's going on. He said he just found out he's failing 2 of his core classes that he needs to graduate. The prom is coming and he's broke. His car is broke down. There is some drama with the sport he plays between him and his coach. His parents are on his back. Graduation is in 4 weeks. etc.
So I said okay, let's take these one at a time. The most important is your grades. Because if you don't pass those classes you won't graduate and that will set a whole bunch more stuff in motion. I told him there isn't school on Thursday (conferences) but we will all be here. Come to school and work all day long on catching up. Ask the teachers if there is some stuff you can do for extra credit. Teachers love it when a student shows ambition and is really trying. Then I asked about his vehicle. He said it was a Ford and tada, guess what? My husband works at a Ford dealership. I called him, explained what was going on and put the student on the phone. Long story short, my husband is getting his parts at cost and will help him fix the vehicle if his dad doesn't know how. At this point the student actually started to look happy. I said "See you need to break each thing down, it's more doable in little bites, get it"? And he laughed. So then we continued with the list. I told him the drama will blow over with the coach. It always does. As for the prom, talk to his date and see if she wouldn't mind doing it a little less expensive. Like go to Applebee's, they have that special where you can get an appetizer, dinner and dessert for 2 for $20. He doesn't have to have a tux, just wear some nice slacks, a shirt and tie. I told him that she said yes because she wants to be with him that night, not so you have to spend your college fund. Next try to explain to your parents that you are totally stressed and just need them to go easy. You understand that they are stressed out too, but you can't handle it all right now, it's just too much. And as for graduation...well that's coming for sure, there is no stopping that, so all you can do is work as hard as you can for 4 weeks...that's it 4 weeks. Not 4 months, not 4 years, 4 weeks and then you are done.
He left my office with his list and a smile. That night my husband said he came and got the parts and seemed like a good kid and was smiling. The next day he was at school bright and early working with teachers on catching up. When I saw him, he just smiled and nodded. At that moment I got this warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart and it felt fantastic.
It showed me that I was supposed to be there right then. Too many things lined up for it to be just a coincidence. I helped someone through the darkness and by doing that I helped myself.
What can you do to help someone?

I'm Back!

But not really. I am different now then I was before. I had to shut down my last blog (damn it!) because I had made it too public and with stuff going on at work, I had to dump it so they couldn't use it against me. Also my kids read some stuff that upset them and so I took it down.
But I'm back and incognito. Like a spy, but not really...I don't have a gun, or fly off to exotic places, make tons of money, all the fun stuff that goes with being a spy. I just have a secret identity, so people can't find me unless I want them to.
So this is a test post to see if everything is working, then I will get back in touch and get on twitter and we'll be back in business. Man what a pain in the ass! I should have done it this way the first time.
Anyway, we'll be in touch.