Well, hindsight being 20/20, I can see clearly now. All the signs were there, but I ignored them. There are many reasons for this. I'm getting older and I was comfortable where I was. I knew my job backwards and forwards and did it well. It's getting harder to learn and remember things. I'd been there for going on 9 years and figured why change jobs at this point in my life. The other issue I've always had, is worrying about how my decision will affect others. And this time it was a hard one because so many people depend on this job being done quickly and correctly. There is a huge learning curve. It takes probably a good 6 months to get all the specs of this job down. And in the meantime the school, students and teachers suffer through. Our school has been through so many changes in the last year, I didn't want to add to it. So I was putting others before myself. Something I've done since I was a little girl.
But about a year and a half ago, there were signs, subtle at first, but they steadily increased in the discomfort level. I have had this happen before and usually listened. God was telling me it was time to move on, but I wouldn't listen. I was pushing against the current. I resisted, so he increased the discomfort and I still resisted. The harder he pushed, the deeper I dug in my heels.
Then I suppose he got tired of trying to gently push me into a new life, something that would be more meaningful and make a difference. A change that would make me happy. So he really stepped up and a little over a month ago, he lowered the boom. In one fell swoop, he took away any desire to stay where I was. But even then I resisted. I was scared. I stopped listening to the voice inside. The one that I had trusted in the past, that had never steered me wrong.
But then I had these friends, my new friends, that were there for me, supporting me. They didn't have any other motive then to be supportive and listen. So I listened to them. We are all going through life changing situations and trying to decide which direction we want our lives to go. We all want to be happy, start living the life we want, deserve. We all want more out of our lives.
So I turned and began flowing with the current. I stopped fighting it and went with it. I took a huge, gigantic leap of faith and it felt right. No anxiety or second guessing. I went for the interview and I felt good. Like I belonged. I knew this is what I'm supposed to do. When I left, I was happier, lighter, I felt fantastic. An hour later I felt even better. No feelings of regret or asking myself "What the hell have I done"?
Last night I had a dream. I was driving a stick shift up these very steep hills. Each time I'd get close to the top, the light would turn red and I'd roll back down the hill. There would be this evil Cruella DeVille type woman standing there with this creepy smile on her face. I'd hit the gas and try again. Each time, the stupid light would stop me. Then I yelled at her, "You don't control me, you have no power"! Then I hit the gas and made it all the way to the top. I woke up and felt free. For the first time in weeks, I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I didn't have to take a Xanax to stop the panic.
One of the greatest things that I have ever done, was to start reading a blog by this woman named Pish Posh. It was that choice that led to a whole series of events that led me to where I am right now. My life is about to start a new chapter and I have this new group of wonderful people in my life that I can't imagine being without. I guess you just never know how a choice whether big or small can change your life.
