Well, hindsight being 20/20, I can see clearly now. All the signs were there, but I ignored them. There are many reasons for this. I'm getting older and I was comfortable where I was. I knew my job backwards and forwards and did it well. It's getting harder to learn and remember things. I'd been there for going on 9 years and figured why change jobs at this point in my life. The other issue I've always had, is worrying about how my decision will affect others. And this time it was a hard one because so many people depend on this job being done quickly and correctly. There is a huge learning curve. It takes probably a good 6 months to get all the specs of this job down. And in the meantime the school, students and teachers suffer through. Our school has been through so many changes in the last year, I didn't want to add to it. So I was putting others before myself. Something I've done since I was a little girl.
But about a year and a half ago, there were signs, subtle at first, but they steadily increased in the discomfort level. I have had this happen before and usually listened. God was telling me it was time to move on, but I wouldn't listen. I was pushing against the current. I resisted, so he increased the discomfort and I still resisted. The harder he pushed, the deeper I dug in my heels.
Then I suppose he got tired of trying to gently push me into a new life, something that would be more meaningful and make a difference. A change that would make me happy. So he really stepped up and a little over a month ago, he lowered the boom. In one fell swoop, he took away any desire to stay where I was. But even then I resisted. I was scared. I stopped listening to the voice inside. The one that I had trusted in the past, that had never steered me wrong.
But then I had these friends, my new friends, that were there for me, supporting me. They didn't have any other motive then to be supportive and listen. So I listened to them. We are all going through life changing situations and trying to decide which direction we want our lives to go. We all want to be happy, start living the life we want, deserve. We all want more out of our lives.
So I turned and began flowing with the current. I stopped fighting it and went with it. I took a huge, gigantic leap of faith and it felt right. No anxiety or second guessing. I went for the interview and I felt good. Like I belonged. I knew this is what I'm supposed to do. When I left, I was happier, lighter, I felt fantastic. An hour later I felt even better. No feelings of regret or asking myself "What the hell have I done"?
Last night I had a dream. I was driving a stick shift up these very steep hills. Each time I'd get close to the top, the light would turn red and I'd roll back down the hill. There would be this evil Cruella DeVille type woman standing there with this creepy smile on her face. I'd hit the gas and try again. Each time, the stupid light would stop me. Then I yelled at her, "You don't control me, you have no power"! Then I hit the gas and made it all the way to the top. I woke up and felt free. For the first time in weeks, I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I didn't have to take a Xanax to stop the panic.
One of the greatest things that I have ever done, was to start reading a blog by this woman named Pish Posh. It was that choice that led to a whole series of events that led me to where I am right now. My life is about to start a new chapter and I have this new group of wonderful people in my life that I can't imagine being without. I guess you just never know how a choice whether big or small can change your life.
Not sure if you are interested in this or not but i've passed a Kreativ Blogger award on to you. Stop over at my new post for the details. :)
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I'm interested? What made you think I wouldn't be interested? Of course I'm interested and honored. Thank you so much! I wish I could figure out how to put this award on my page. It was easy on my old blog, but I can't figure this one out, oh but I will.
DeleteThanks again!
Sweet! I look forward to your new journey and sharing in the happiness. I'm so glad you are finding your peace. You deserve it! I, too have ignored so many signs. It's not a good thing to do. I was afraid for you to take that giant leap, but am so glad you did. It sounds like it turned out to be the right thing to do!
ReplyDeleteOh wow!!!!! I've stepped back from bloggy world for a bit because I thought it would help me make the decision. But I've been having anxiety attacks myself every night, and am in one now, in insomnia-land. And I just intuitively felt drawn to read your blog before anything else when I couldn't sleep. All these feelings you're feeling have been keeping me up too. I can't tell you how great it is that I just read this post right now. Thank you so so much!! I mean thank you for putting this out there in the sense of perspective and signs. I'm not a person of faith so I don't believe in answers or plans, although sometimes I wish I did. But I do believe that if I look at things the way you are, I can see that it's so much more simple than I'm making it. One decision gives me anxiety about others and one simply anxiety about practical things. In other words, one choice keeps me up at night worrying about how it will impact others and one choice is about what I actually want. And putting others first, in this particular case, may really be bad for me. And so I appreciated your description of how it felt to be interviewed and step outside that prison you'd created for yourself. I am so happy for you I can't even fully tell you how much I love hearing happy things from you. I feel like we are both standing on the edge of change, and you're leaping and telling me it feels better. That gives me courage for myself and joy for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's safe to stay unhappy. It's brave to live anew.
Thank you so much for the sweet things you've said about me too :)
Pish, When I was writing this post I was thinking about you and Robin and how we are all on the verge of change.
DeleteDecisions are scary, especially the ones where the outcome is unknown. But when I took a step back and considered what the biggest issue was (the bitch causing unrelenting stress that was affecting my health and happiness) I knew that was the one thing I needed to change. I needed to get away from it. It had even invaded my home life. My husband and kids were tired of hearing about it and worried sick for me.
So when I just did it and it felt so right, I knew. Now I'm not telling you I'm not scared or nervous. I didn't expect at my age to be starting a whole new job and learning new computer systems etc. Let alone go someplace where I didn't know a single soul. Then there is the money issue. I will be making less and my commute is farther. But when I was there and after I left, my heart was so light and happy. I just knew that everything was right. This is what I'm supposed to do. The other stuff will somehow work out.
And here's the thing. I was telling Robin. Do you know how many things had to happen and line up for the 3 of us to meet and become friends and be there for each other at this point of our lives? It gives me goosebumps when I think about it.
I believe you already know what you want to do. You know it deep inside. I know you are playing the what if game. But that voice is telling you what you need to know. You need to listen. Look back over all the things you have done in your life. Was there a "sense" of what you were to do? And when you did it, it worked out, right? But when you ignored it, it felt off? That's how it's been for me. I always think I know better. But your gut knows you, knows your life, I swear it remembers every single event in your life and steers you where you should go.
Pish, I love you, I know you are scared, but you really do know what you need to do to make you happy. I really believe the other stuff will follow.
I pray for you all the time. The one thing I want for the three of us is to be happy and content in our lives. I'm 55 and it's my turn. I have always taken care of others and put myself last. I want the rest of my time left on this earth to be special, not full of stress and turmoil. That's what I wish for you too.
Anytime you need to talk, vent, bounce ideas, I'm her sweetie. This is our time. We can do this!
love you! Cindy