Signs

It has been a rough couple of weeks people. The job was sucking worse the closer I was getting to the end. The 2 bitches were doing everything in their power to make me miserable and it was working as hard as I tried to not let it get to me. I couldn't understand it, I was leaving, just leave me the hell alone and let me finish out what I had to do. I had to say goodbye to some of my favorite students and teachers, telling them I wouldn't be back next year. I had one week to go.

Anyway, I subscribe to this thing that sends me messages from the universe everyday. The morning of the day this happened I got this message:

For every setback, disappointment and heartbreak, ask yourself, "What does this create the opportunity for?"

And therein you will find its gift.

Everything has a reason,
The Universe

That night it began at 2am. I was ignoring the pain, assuming it was a pinched nerve or something else. It felt a little less intense sitting on the couch, so I just sat out there and ended up falling back asleep. (now the day before had been extra horrible from the bitches and I had been told I needed a degree for the new job. So when I went to bed I thought I was going to have to stay at my old school and was a little very upset about that).

Anyway, about 4:30am the pain woke me up again. I was sweaty, my chest was really hurting and now it was in my shoulder and neck and knifing through to my back. I looked up symptoms on my Ipad and some fit but some didn't. About this time my husband realized I wasn't in bed and came to see what was going on. He said we are going to the hospital and I said no, I'll be okay. This back and forth went on for almost an hour. Then I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I felt this fear wash over me and something said "Go to the hospital NOW!" I got some clothes on walked out to the living room and my husband said can we go now? and I said yes.

So we drove across town to the hospital (35 minutes) and no one was in the ER. It was completely quiet. They took me right in and went to work. It wasn't 5 minutes later and all hell broke loose. The nurses said they'd never seen it this busy, that I'd started something.
My first nurse was wearing purple scrubs with butterflies, her name was Angela. (I read it as Angel) My mom's favorite color was purple and she had a thing for butterflies. My doctor's name was Albright. (I read it as Alright).They began hooking me up to all these machines, putting needles in me etc. Pumping me full of stuff, having me take nitro etc.

I was so scared. Terrified in fact. I was thinking "This is it, I'm going to die". I was bawling and my husband kept saying it's going to be okay, but I could tell he was scared too. He just kept staring at the monitor. I started telling him how stupid I've been staying at a job that I hated and had my priorities all screwed up. How much I loved him and the kids, to please tell the kids. I told him I want to "LIVE" my life! I want to have fun again. I love the ocean. We are about an hour away and used to go all the time. It's been over a year since I last went. I told him I want to go. I want to go camping and hiking and do things I've always wanted to do but put off. I told him if I make it, I am going to change the way I live. I'm going to start having fun again and trying new things and doing the things I used to do, but never made time for. I want to read the stack of books collecting dust. I want to figure out a way to go visit my daughter that lives in Scotland. I'm tired of just going through the motions, that's not what life is supposed to be.

At that moment they decided I needed a CT scan. They feared because of my AFib I may have thrown a clot into my lungs. When they wheeled me into the CT room, there was a big "Believe" stenciled on the wall (That's my mantra. I have it all over the place). Then I looked on the ceiling and there was this stained glass panel over the lights that was all these butterflies. I immediately felt and knew my mom was with me. I felt this warmth and calm wash over me. I just knew I was going to be okay. I relaxed and giggled. The tech asked if I was okay and I said yeah I feel really happy and he said must be the drugs, but I knew otherwise.
When they took me to my room it was number #321. The number 3 and 4 kept popping up too. I have a book that interprets number messages from angels. These are special numbers.

My new nurse's last name was Rodger. (That's my dad's name). There was a wipe board in the room that they wrote info on. They used a purple pen. There was also a picture on the wall of a butterfly.
Between times when people were in my room, I flipped on the TV and was surfing and stopped on a Will and Grace. It was an episode about his dad being a workaholic and not accepting him for who he was. They got in a big fight and he left. The next day his mom called to say his dad had had a heart attack and when Will asked where they were, she said he didn't make it.

That night after everyone left, I couldn't sleep, so I again turned on the TV and was surfing and came to the movie "Signs". It was at the exact part where he is asking Marrel if he believes in signs...

The next day, I was laying in bed and was staring out the window and thinking about everything that had happened and how I could have died and how I was not living my life the way I wanted to, my priorities were screwed up etc. And I was thinking of asking the nurse if they had a pastor or someone in the building like that I could talk to. At that second, there was a knock on the door and in walks the hospital pastor! After we talked for a few minutes and I told him what I had just thought. He said he doesn't visit every patient. Before he starts his day, he prays and he asks God to guide him to the people that need him.

After he left, a few minutes later in walks my pastor's wife. She is a dietitian at the hospital. She had seen my name on the board and stopped by to check on me. We had a long talk about life and God and signs too.
When I got home, I was checking my email and here was the message from the universe:

Rainbows and butterflies, cattails and dandelions, waterfalls and rainforests, puppy dogs and dragonflies, sea foam and orcas, sunshine and comets, snowflakes and icicles, wildflowers and you... Did I think of everything, or what? And now you can think of whatever you want, no pressure.

And then this was the one for the next day: The best way to forgive, is not to blame. Besides, we have forever and ever to look forward to. And then here is today's: It's not the steps that matter, but the path. And the path will take care of itself, when you keep focused on your destination. I'm sure some of you don't believe in all this, but I do and it got me through. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason and there is a plan. This whole experience reaffirmed that for me. Right up until that day I was still questioning my decision to change jobs. But not now. I got the message loud and clear. And by the way, all the people I worked with for nearly 9 years, that I cared so much about that I didn't want to put any strain on by changing jobs and them having to train someone new...never got me a gift, flowers, even a card that they all signed saying good bye! I also never heard boo from any of them while I was in the hospital. All that makes it easier to walk away too. I had to go back to work yesterday to wrap up loose ends and turn in my keys. As I was driving down the driveway looking at the school in my rear view mirror I felt calm, happy, a weight lifting off my shoulders. There weren't any tears or sadness, just relief. I know I am doing the right thing. So now it's on to the next chapter of my life. I was lucky. It was a mild heart attack, no long term damage. It was a wake up call. I just need to take it easy a few weeks and then be able to resume normal activities.

Too much for my body to take...

Sorry it's been so long and this is going to be short.
The past few weeks have been so damn stressful, emotional etc. that my body said enough. I got out of the hospital yesterday after being in for a couple days after a mild heart attack. I have some stories to tell, but for now just wanted to let you all know why I've been absent. Doctor wants me to rest and take it easy for a few days. But I'll write a full update in a couple of days. Just wanted to let you all know I'm okay and boy did nearly dying change my whole perspective about life. It had to be one of the scariest things I've ever been through. I'm a little loopy right now, but to you dad's happy fahrer's day and to everyone else, happy life.

Random stuff

The person at HR that is to make the final decision was out all day yesterday. I am hoping she is in today. I want to know that I got the job for sure and when I can start.

On another note, I had told my kids I was going for this job at the prison, so last Friday on my way to the interview and tour, I texted them "On my way to the prison, wish me luck"! To which my son replies "There's a sentence I never thought I'd hear my mom say".

Then yesterday he texted to ask if I'd heard anything and I texted back "No, the lady at HR is out, but the guy from the prison really wants me." to which he replies "Second sentence I never thought I'd hear my mom say".



I subscribe to this service that sends an email with a message everyday from the universe. I opened my email this morning and found this:

 "Life's magic is a lot like a swift flowing river, Cindy. No matter how long you've overlooked it or unwittingly swam against it, the instant you stop struggling you're back in the flow, hat down low, coolest cat on the block."



I got goosebumps. It's like the universe is really paying attention. It's sounds like the post I did a few days ago.


That's it for now. I'll let you know anything when I know. Everyone cross your fingers and toes.

The Kreativ Blogger Award

Ken over at ken-inatractor bestowed this award on me over the weekend. Thank you very much Ken. I'm smiling from ear to ear and feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I just wish I could figure out how to put this on my page. I got a different award a few weeks back and I'd really like to display them proudly.

So anyway, here's how this goes:

THE RULES:
1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog.
2. Answer seven questions.
3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.

4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others.

#1. What is your favorite song?

That depends entirely on my mood. I love all music. I mean I listen to country, classical, rock, jazz, rap, pop, you name it I listen to it. If you saw the selection in my IPod, you'd think it had to be from several different people. But lately I love the song by Kelly Clarkson "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" because of what I've been going through lately and it always seems to play right when I need to hear it.

#2 What is your favorite dessert?

Anything with caramel. I love that stuff. I can just eat caramel sauce with a spoon and be in heaven.

#3 What do you do when you are upset?

Depends on what kind of upset. For instance when my mom suddenly died, or my son went to Iraq, or I had to put my dog to sleep, I bawled for days. I can't eat or think. I just sort of sit and stare and cry. I also sleep. I think it's an escape for me.

But if you mean upset as in angry, I usually shut down and hold it in. If I'm being confronted, I cry, which makes me even more angry. Then after a bit of processing, I pull myself up by the boot straps and start being proactive instead of reactive and try to do something about whatever happened to make me angry in the first place.

#4 Which is your favorite pet?

I'm a cat person. I've had cats since I was 6 months old. But I also love dogs. Currently I have a 20 lb Maine Coon named Ducati, that is the bestest cat ever. He has an amazing personality and I just love him to pieces. But I also have a beagle named Biscotti. She is gentle and loving and as sweet as can be.

#5 Which do you prefer, white or wheat?

Definitely, wheat, in fact the more grains and seeds the better.

#6 What is your biggest fear?

I used to say heights, but it's actually the possibility of falling from someplace high, so I guess it's falling, which I guess actually translates to pain...yeah, pain. I'm afraid of pain.

#7 What is your attitude mostly?

This question I had to think about. It's asking for my attitude, not my mood. I'd have to say my attitude is to do the right thing, help others, be a good wife, mother, friend and generally good person. You know, follow the golder rule. If I am able to do those things, I will feel good about myself and be happy. 

Now the fun part, 10 random facts about me:

 I have 4 kids. I am from a family of 4 kids. My mom was from a family of 4 kids as was my grandmother.

I was born in Honolulu, Hawaii. I was a Navy brat. My dad was stationed there at the time. My first swim was in the Pacific Ocean when I was 6 weeks old.

I met my husband on a blind date set up by mutual friends. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary.

I have been in 2 horrible roll over car accidents and walked away from both with just scratches.

I once flew under the Golden Gate Bridge with my husband in his airplane...shhhh!

I met Nicholas Cage and Sean Penn when they were filming "Racing With The Moon" in front of the store where I worked.

I had 5 surgeries in 4 years. 3 were cancer related.

I quit smoking 9 years ago because my son asked me to. I tossed the pack in the garbage right then and never looked back.

I almost choked to death 4 months ago on a piece of popcorn. I was blacking out when my husband did the Heimlich and saved my life.

There were over 1000 entries in a Lego naming contest for the astrobots edition when NASA was going to Mars. The names I entered and won with were Biff Starling and Sandy Moondust. I won the Lego set featuring them and a rocket. My son was very pleased.

Now the hard part...picking out 7 people to give this lovely award to.

The Little Big Blog @ Little Big

Good Girl Gone Redneck @ Good Girl

I Like Beer and Babies @ I like Beer

Creative Devolution @ Creative Devolution
Dooce @ dooce
Telling Dad @ Telling Dad
A Little Bit of Sanity and a lot of Chaos @ sanityandchaos

I hope you all continue to write and make the world happy!

Fighting Against The Current

Have you ever heard the joke when the guy asks God, "Why didn't you give me a sign"?




Well, hindsight being 20/20, I can see clearly now. All the signs were there, but I ignored them. There are many reasons for this. I'm getting older and I was comfortable where I was. I knew my job backwards and forwards and did it well. It's getting harder to learn and remember things. I'd been there for going on 9 years and figured why change jobs at this point in my life. The other issue I've always had, is worrying about how my decision will affect others. And this time it was a hard one because so many people depend on this job being done quickly and correctly. There is a huge learning curve. It takes probably a good 6 months to get all the specs of this job down. And in the meantime the school, students and teachers suffer through. Our school has been through so many changes in the last year, I didn't want to add to it. So I was putting others before myself. Something I've done since I was a little girl.



But about a year and a half ago, there were signs, subtle at first, but they steadily increased in the discomfort level. I have had this happen before and usually listened. God was telling me it was time to move on, but I wouldn't listen. I was pushing against the current. I resisted, so he increased the discomfort and I still resisted. The harder he pushed, the deeper I dug in my heels.



Then I suppose he got tired of trying to gently push me into a new life, something that would be more meaningful and make a difference. A change that would make me happy. So he really stepped up and a little over a month ago, he lowered the boom. In one fell swoop, he took away any desire to stay where I was. But even then I resisted. I was scared. I stopped listening to the voice inside. The one that I had trusted in the past, that had never steered me wrong.



But then I had these friends, my new friends, that were there for me, supporting me. They didn't have any other motive then to be supportive and listen. So I listened to them. We are all going through life changing situations and trying to decide which direction we want our lives to go. We all want to be happy, start living the life we want, deserve. We all want more out of our lives.



So I turned and began flowing with the current. I stopped fighting it and went with it. I took a huge, gigantic leap of faith and it felt right. No anxiety or second guessing. I went for the interview and I felt good. Like I belonged. I knew this is what I'm supposed to do. When I left, I was happier, lighter, I felt fantastic. An hour later I felt even better. No feelings of regret or asking myself "What the hell have I done"?



Last night I had a dream. I was driving a stick shift up these very steep hills. Each time I'd get close to the top, the light would turn red and I'd roll back down the hill. There would be this evil Cruella DeVille type woman standing there with this creepy smile on her face. I'd hit the gas and try again. Each time, the stupid light would stop me. Then I yelled at her, "You don't control me, you have no power"! Then I hit the gas and made it all the way to the top. I woke up and felt free. For the first time in weeks, I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I didn't have to take a Xanax to stop the panic.



One of the greatest things that I have ever done, was to start reading a blog by this woman named Pish Posh. It was that choice that led to a whole series of events that led me to where I am right now. My life is about to start a new chapter and I have this new group of wonderful people in my life that I can't imagine being without. I guess you just never know how a choice whether big or small can change your life.

The Pish Posh Challenge

This week's post is to summarize what I have or haven't accomplished during these past 12 weeks.

I can say I lost weight, not as much as I wanted at this point, but more then if I hadn't done a thing. So I am proud of that. I got derailed a few weeks back by an evil person at my job, and that led to some depression, comfort eating, a lot of sleeping and some slacking off on the fitness routine. But I am going to use this 3 day weekend to get back into the habit of working out plus put in my beloved
garden!


I was able to forgive someone for a trauma that happened a very long time ago when I was a little girl and am working on the new version of our relationship, and it actually is going well.



I have gotten more organized in my home life, cleaned, organized and redecorated my sewing, inspiration room. Started on my closets, which are a mess. But I will get those done over the summer, as well as the garage. That damn garage gets a redo every summer. Then over winter something happens and by summer it's a mess and needs another going through.



I have stayed in better touch with my family. I have been up to see my kids more often in the past 4 months then I have in a year and the year's not over. I am also making a huge effort to stay in contact with my brothers even if it's just a text or few lines in an email.

I have learned that I am a lot stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. The crap that I have had to endure these past 5 weeks has been very difficult and yet I'm still here. I decided to take matters into my own hands a week ago and ask for a transfer to a maximum security all male prison for men under 21.


Today I stepped way out of my comfort zone and took a leap of faith.

I went in for a tour of the facility, met the staff, the principal, the guards and the inmates. These guys have raped, murdered, robbed, beaten and done horrible things to children. But I was okay. I didn't freak, I wasn't scared, nothing. The principal also did a couple of tests. He slammed a door a couple of times or dropped a heavy object onto the floor to make a loud sound and I didn't jump of flinch.

I got the job! It's less pay, a longer commute, I work more days, but I don't care. I felt like doing cartwheels in the parking lot. I was so happy! I feel a huge weight lifted off me. I am filled with joy and excitement. It's the first time in weeks I have felt this happy and relaxed...and it's because I'm going to work at a prison? My son said "Those are words I never thought I'd hear my mom say".

 
So my goals are easy, I am going to keep moving forward, keep growing and learning and changing. I will continue to eat well and exercise and have me time. I am working on simplfying my life. I will have a garden that I will tend to and eat from and can, dry or freeze the extra to have for the winter.

My son is getting married this summer and I will enjoy every single second relaxed and soaking up the joy of the moments. I'm making her dress and mine and the edding color is purple.



As for a friend that I promise to be there for...well this one is impossible. I have to say I feel closer to all of you, then I do to most people I work with on a daily basis. I have spilled my life and you have yours and we have been there for each other in a way I have never experienced before. But if I have to pick one to be an angel for I'd have to say Robin.



And of course Pish. You two have been amazing, incredible and the most loving, kind, people I have ever had the joy and blessing to have in my life. You are both amazing women. I think if the 3 of us were to get together in a room and brainstorm, the world wouldn't know what hit them.

But most of all, I have learned that you don't have to be in the same room with people to have friendship and love. I feel so blessed that I came upon this challenge at the time that I did. I don't think it was a coincidence. I feel I was led here by some higher power. Otherwise how do you explain the similarities that we are all going through right now, that in helping others we are helping ourselves. It was destiny and I plan on continuing to stay in touch with all of you challenge or not. You are a part of my life now. Thank you for being my friends.

I'm Gonna Cut Me a Bitch!

I'm serious people. This evil woman is just pushing and pushing. Today she was walking around the outer office, moving shit around, I didn't see it, I was up in the vault pulling records. But the receptionist was there and asked what she was doing. Now this evil woman has serious issues with leaving things the hell alone. She has rearranged her little 8x10 office about 20 times so far this year. Anyway, she says to the receptionist, "I'm thinking of moving Cindy out here and move into her office". WAIT, WHAT, she said what??? Oh she thinks so huh? I mean it was her idea years ago before I started there to put the registrar's office where it is, because of all the confidential stuff you work on and it needs to be a locked room.

But then it hit me. Hahahahaha, she wants to play, okay I'll play. She wants me to throw a shitfit. She wants me to get all upset. She thinks it's just one more way she can stick it to me. But here's the deal. When I first started at this school, I worked in the alternative education dept. with the receptionist. We are good friends. So, tomorrow, I am going to haul all the senior files out of the vault and bring them into our outer office, where I'll set up a table and chair and start going through them all. We do this every year. We take out certain documents that we have to keep for several years. We give students their picture card and anything else we think they might want and the rest gets shredded.

While I work away on this project, my friend and I will be able to laugh, talk about our kids, what our plans are for the summer etc. just like we used to do when we worked in the classroom together. I'll even maybe let it slip that it feels like old times, maybe I should move out here instead of having a wall between us, stuff like that. Act like I wouldn't care at all if I was moved out. I plan on having fun with this one! Hey you gotta get your kicks anyway you can and boy I could sure use a laugh or 2.

So what do you all think?