Pour my Heart Out

I think it's time to let you all know about the hold this evil woman had on me and why this whole mess has me turned inside out. And why it's taken so long for me to talk about it and to get angry enough to do something about it.

When I first moved here from California, my mother was so pissed. She couldn't believe I was actually moving away and taking her grandchildren so far from her.

I always thought that my mom and I were so very close. We saw each other nearly everyday and talked on the phone off and on through out the day. I didn't realize at the time that her love came with strings attached...no, not strings, ropes and chains. She basically disowned me. Told me I was such a dissappointment. I've never done anything right, etc.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months. I'd take the kids and go down there for visits every 4 weeks or so, trying to mend fences. It took a year to get her to come up here and see my house. My home is beautiful. There is no way we could have afforded anything like this in CA. It's a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath on wooded 5 acres. I have room for a garden. There are fruit trees. We are 1/2 a mile from a huge river that we have a view of from our mountain top. There are deer, wild turkeys, all kinds of wildlife.

We had looked at dozens of houses in CA and the best we could get was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath dumpy fixer in a shitty neighborhood. She never said boo. Not a word about how beautiful it was, the quiet and serenity, nothing! I mean we have this huge deck on the back side that looks out at the view and my yard/garden...nothing! My grandma said she thought she was jealous. I said no one is forcing her to stay where she is. In fact a few years later, she moved from Sonoma County to the LA area...wait, what??? You heard me. From one of the most beautiful places to the concrete jungle.

In the 15 years we have lived here, she only came up 3 times and one of those times was because of my son's graduation and they stayed at a motel in town and came up the day of and turned around and went back the next day . My dad would come up alone 2-3 times a year. He loved it here. He even talked about moving here too, but she'd have no part of it.

So after that visit, I quit trying so hard. At the time, my grandmother was still alive and I was very close with her. She lived in northern CA and I would take the kids and go down and see her often. I was her first grandchild and my kids were her first great grandchildren. She loved us all to pieces. She was my favorite person in the whole world.

Flash forward many years. I get a full time job with this school. I had been on the sub list for years (I had worked in a school district as a special ed assistant for 10 years in CA). So I finally get a position as an ed assist in the alternative education department. I did that for 2 years and then applied and got the position of administrative assistant to the Athletic Director. Then 2 years later, my principal moved me to the registrars position. She felt my computer skills, organizational skills, my attention to detail etc. would be a perfect fit for this position. I've been here for 4 years now.

Up until this time I had had very limited contact with the evil person. Now my office was right next to hers. In the beginning I was scared to death of her because of all the rumors. But as time went on and I got to know her, I thought "This woman isn't so bad". Oh little did I know. I was so naive.

Oh wait...back up. When I was the athletic secretary, my grandma died. It was awful. I felt so lost. But I think it woke my mom up to the fact that life is short and how she had been treating me blah blah blah. We (she) began rebuilding our relationship.

So anyway, last year, January 2011, my mom goes to bed and passed away in her sleep (the same way my grandma did by the way). Just like that she was gone. I got the call on my cell while at work from my brother. I just melted down, right there in my office. Everyone thought I'd just gotten bad news about my son that was in Iraq, because I was just freaking the fuck out.

So I took time off, went to CA to be with the family, help with her arrangements, etc. We had a beautiful memorial. We spread her ashes at sea among the dolphins off Catalina Island. It was truly amazing.

When I got back, I was having trouble with it all. There was still so much unsaid. So many issues left out there. Well, the evil woman saw this, because she had had a similar relationship with her mom. So she started counseling me. She brought me tapes, books, CD's etc. to help get me through it. We got close. I would confide in her. She would listen and give me advice etc.

Now fast forward to this school year. Last November she came and told me that the office manager told her I had had a melt down in the front office with the fax machine (no I didn't, I just smacked it and said "This thing is such a dinosaur, why can't we get a new one"?!) It takes forever to fax anything. It's a piece of crap. I think it's one of the original models they made.

Anyway, she tells me this and I'm thinking, why did the office manager have to tell her that? Weird. So I go ask her why she said that, why not come talk to me herself if she had an issue? Then she says, she hadn't said anything...and I'm thinking "WTF?" Then evil one shuts me out. Doesn't talk to me, doesn't say good morning, nothing.

After about 4 days, I ask "Did I do something to piss you off?" And she says, "Well, I don't appreciate you going to the office manager and checking up on me." And I said "What? I didn't. I just went and asked why she didn't come to me instead." And then it hit me...they were talking to each other about me, but denying it. The hair on my neck stood up and I realized I couldn't trust either one of them. They were up to something. I'd seen this before done to other employees.

Now the office manager is a classified employee like me. She is supposed to be someone we can go to about things and keep it to herself. She is the liaison between us and administration. But in the case of this one, she crossed the line. That's when everything became about work only. I never talked to the evil one about personal stuff again. Once you break trust with me, that's it!

I knew they were up to something. At first I thought I was just paranoid, but then others started noticing it. As I said before, we had seen them do this to others. Then I saw an email from one to the other that had been left on the printer. My suspicions had been confirmed.

So now fast forward to my evaluation. She sits me down at 3:45pm on a Friday afternoon, she knew I was going to be devastated because she said it to me as she handed me the paperwork. She knew my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, how to cut me to the core and she used it all. As I read the evaluation, she was talking and saying mean, cruel, hurtful things. I started crying, I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. She then told me "To knock it off, to stop being such a drama queen." When I could finally speak, "I asked, so what happens now?" And that's when she said "I'm not sure. I've never had to do this before. We will have to check with the principal on Monday. But all I know is you are done. You are no longer wanted here." Then she got up, gathered her stuff, told me to lock her door and left. She fucking left!

When I came out. Everybody was gone. I walked into my office and called my husband. He said he'd come and get me, but I told him no, I'll be okay, just to give me some time, I'll be okay. I sat here for I don't know how long. Then went out and got in my truck and sat there. My husband called and asked again and I said I was okay, I'd be home soon. Then I sat and cried and cried. I called my kids and told them and then cried some more. Finally I was able to drive home about 6:30pm. I was so devastated, so hurt, so scared, everything was crashing down around me. I was thinking what am I going to do? I have all this debt. My husband is laid off. We need my insurance. We both have health issues. My son is getting married this summer, it all just started spinning and swallowing me alive... I thought about suicide.

I didn't sleep at all and when I did it was nightmares about her laughing at me, telling me how worthless I was, my husband leaving me, so on and so forth.The next morning I came up to the school and cleared out my office, because I didn't want to leave that for someone else. I went home and unloaded and put it all in the garage. I spent time in my yard with my dog and my cat. I called my kids, my brothers, my dad and then started taking pills until I passed out. When my husband came home, he put me to bed. He knows that I deal with this kind of thing by sleeping...little did he know. I even had wrote notes and put in my underwear drawer.

But I woke up the next day...I know it was stupid, thoughtless, selfish, but we all know how it is when you are spinning in the darkness. You see only one way out to make it all stop. You just don't want to hurt anymore.

So, there it is and here I am. Just trying to fight my way back. To not only be able to keep my job, but get rid of her. I am in constant contact with my doctor. I'm on anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, etc. It's a good thing I quit drinking 2 years ago, because this is the kind of thing that would have put me into the bottom of a bottle daily. It's the first time in the years since I quit that I am fighting the urge every damn day again. She has been successful in running off teachers, office staff etc. She's just a mean, evil bitch and enjoys it. She needs to go and I want to be the one to take her down.

Have any of you had similar situations? How did you cope. What did you do to manage?