Fighting Against The Current

Have you ever heard the joke when the guy asks God, "Why didn't you give me a sign"?




Well, hindsight being 20/20, I can see clearly now. All the signs were there, but I ignored them. There are many reasons for this. I'm getting older and I was comfortable where I was. I knew my job backwards and forwards and did it well. It's getting harder to learn and remember things. I'd been there for going on 9 years and figured why change jobs at this point in my life. The other issue I've always had, is worrying about how my decision will affect others. And this time it was a hard one because so many people depend on this job being done quickly and correctly. There is a huge learning curve. It takes probably a good 6 months to get all the specs of this job down. And in the meantime the school, students and teachers suffer through. Our school has been through so many changes in the last year, I didn't want to add to it. So I was putting others before myself. Something I've done since I was a little girl.



But about a year and a half ago, there were signs, subtle at first, but they steadily increased in the discomfort level. I have had this happen before and usually listened. God was telling me it was time to move on, but I wouldn't listen. I was pushing against the current. I resisted, so he increased the discomfort and I still resisted. The harder he pushed, the deeper I dug in my heels.



Then I suppose he got tired of trying to gently push me into a new life, something that would be more meaningful and make a difference. A change that would make me happy. So he really stepped up and a little over a month ago, he lowered the boom. In one fell swoop, he took away any desire to stay where I was. But even then I resisted. I was scared. I stopped listening to the voice inside. The one that I had trusted in the past, that had never steered me wrong.



But then I had these friends, my new friends, that were there for me, supporting me. They didn't have any other motive then to be supportive and listen. So I listened to them. We are all going through life changing situations and trying to decide which direction we want our lives to go. We all want to be happy, start living the life we want, deserve. We all want more out of our lives.



So I turned and began flowing with the current. I stopped fighting it and went with it. I took a huge, gigantic leap of faith and it felt right. No anxiety or second guessing. I went for the interview and I felt good. Like I belonged. I knew this is what I'm supposed to do. When I left, I was happier, lighter, I felt fantastic. An hour later I felt even better. No feelings of regret or asking myself "What the hell have I done"?



Last night I had a dream. I was driving a stick shift up these very steep hills. Each time I'd get close to the top, the light would turn red and I'd roll back down the hill. There would be this evil Cruella DeVille type woman standing there with this creepy smile on her face. I'd hit the gas and try again. Each time, the stupid light would stop me. Then I yelled at her, "You don't control me, you have no power"! Then I hit the gas and made it all the way to the top. I woke up and felt free. For the first time in weeks, I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I didn't have to take a Xanax to stop the panic.



One of the greatest things that I have ever done, was to start reading a blog by this woman named Pish Posh. It was that choice that led to a whole series of events that led me to where I am right now. My life is about to start a new chapter and I have this new group of wonderful people in my life that I can't imagine being without. I guess you just never know how a choice whether big or small can change your life.

The Pish Posh Challenge

This week's post is to summarize what I have or haven't accomplished during these past 12 weeks.

I can say I lost weight, not as much as I wanted at this point, but more then if I hadn't done a thing. So I am proud of that. I got derailed a few weeks back by an evil person at my job, and that led to some depression, comfort eating, a lot of sleeping and some slacking off on the fitness routine. But I am going to use this 3 day weekend to get back into the habit of working out plus put in my beloved
garden!


I was able to forgive someone for a trauma that happened a very long time ago when I was a little girl and am working on the new version of our relationship, and it actually is going well.



I have gotten more organized in my home life, cleaned, organized and redecorated my sewing, inspiration room. Started on my closets, which are a mess. But I will get those done over the summer, as well as the garage. That damn garage gets a redo every summer. Then over winter something happens and by summer it's a mess and needs another going through.



I have stayed in better touch with my family. I have been up to see my kids more often in the past 4 months then I have in a year and the year's not over. I am also making a huge effort to stay in contact with my brothers even if it's just a text or few lines in an email.

I have learned that I am a lot stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. The crap that I have had to endure these past 5 weeks has been very difficult and yet I'm still here. I decided to take matters into my own hands a week ago and ask for a transfer to a maximum security all male prison for men under 21.


Today I stepped way out of my comfort zone and took a leap of faith.

I went in for a tour of the facility, met the staff, the principal, the guards and the inmates. These guys have raped, murdered, robbed, beaten and done horrible things to children. But I was okay. I didn't freak, I wasn't scared, nothing. The principal also did a couple of tests. He slammed a door a couple of times or dropped a heavy object onto the floor to make a loud sound and I didn't jump of flinch.

I got the job! It's less pay, a longer commute, I work more days, but I don't care. I felt like doing cartwheels in the parking lot. I was so happy! I feel a huge weight lifted off me. I am filled with joy and excitement. It's the first time in weeks I have felt this happy and relaxed...and it's because I'm going to work at a prison? My son said "Those are words I never thought I'd hear my mom say".

 
So my goals are easy, I am going to keep moving forward, keep growing and learning and changing. I will continue to eat well and exercise and have me time. I am working on simplfying my life. I will have a garden that I will tend to and eat from and can, dry or freeze the extra to have for the winter.

My son is getting married this summer and I will enjoy every single second relaxed and soaking up the joy of the moments. I'm making her dress and mine and the edding color is purple.



As for a friend that I promise to be there for...well this one is impossible. I have to say I feel closer to all of you, then I do to most people I work with on a daily basis. I have spilled my life and you have yours and we have been there for each other in a way I have never experienced before. But if I have to pick one to be an angel for I'd have to say Robin.



And of course Pish. You two have been amazing, incredible and the most loving, kind, people I have ever had the joy and blessing to have in my life. You are both amazing women. I think if the 3 of us were to get together in a room and brainstorm, the world wouldn't know what hit them.

But most of all, I have learned that you don't have to be in the same room with people to have friendship and love. I feel so blessed that I came upon this challenge at the time that I did. I don't think it was a coincidence. I feel I was led here by some higher power. Otherwise how do you explain the similarities that we are all going through right now, that in helping others we are helping ourselves. It was destiny and I plan on continuing to stay in touch with all of you challenge or not. You are a part of my life now. Thank you for being my friends.

I'm Gonna Cut Me a Bitch!

I'm serious people. This evil woman is just pushing and pushing. Today she was walking around the outer office, moving shit around, I didn't see it, I was up in the vault pulling records. But the receptionist was there and asked what she was doing. Now this evil woman has serious issues with leaving things the hell alone. She has rearranged her little 8x10 office about 20 times so far this year. Anyway, she says to the receptionist, "I'm thinking of moving Cindy out here and move into her office". WAIT, WHAT, she said what??? Oh she thinks so huh? I mean it was her idea years ago before I started there to put the registrar's office where it is, because of all the confidential stuff you work on and it needs to be a locked room.

But then it hit me. Hahahahaha, she wants to play, okay I'll play. She wants me to throw a shitfit. She wants me to get all upset. She thinks it's just one more way she can stick it to me. But here's the deal. When I first started at this school, I worked in the alternative education dept. with the receptionist. We are good friends. So, tomorrow, I am going to haul all the senior files out of the vault and bring them into our outer office, where I'll set up a table and chair and start going through them all. We do this every year. We take out certain documents that we have to keep for several years. We give students their picture card and anything else we think they might want and the rest gets shredded.

While I work away on this project, my friend and I will be able to laugh, talk about our kids, what our plans are for the summer etc. just like we used to do when we worked in the classroom together. I'll even maybe let it slip that it feels like old times, maybe I should move out here instead of having a wall between us, stuff like that. Act like I wouldn't care at all if I was moved out. I plan on having fun with this one! Hey you gotta get your kicks anyway you can and boy I could sure use a laugh or 2.

So what do you all think?

I Honestly Don't Know How Much More I Can Take

Today at 3pm I get an email from the current principal that "the evil one" has completely screwed up the schedule. Now this has been one of my main jobs the last 4 years. She hasn't asked for my help, my input, nothing. It's a very intense process that takes months. We generally start in March. She just started last week and said that it was so easy. We usually send out polling forms and course catalogs to all the students and they write down their classes and electives for the upcoming school year, she didn't do it. She just was doing her own thing and going by last years schedule with her "improvements".

The next step once we get all the info, Is I enter all the data into our computer program. That's 650 students times 20+ choices. That let's us know how many sections of each class we will need to offer. So if there are 60 kids that want Art 1 that means we need to offer 2 sections to fulfill their wishes and so on and so forth.

Then we take that info,and start placing all these magnets with each class written on them on a huge schedule board. Once we get it all figured out making sure there aren't any conflicts (or as few as possible) I then get to put all that info into the computer program.

I have to put in the time, the room number, the class and the teacher for each class. We are on a trimester system with 5 classes a day. So it's a shit load of info to put in and I have to do it while I also do my job. It takes focus and concentration. You can't screw up or you could have 2 teachers in one room or the same class twice and so on. It's one of the reasons we start the process the week before spring break which is the last week in March.

Then we start computer simulations where the program starts putting students in classes. After a few runs, we see where we are at. It will let us know where the conflicts are etc. we then make adjustments and do it again. This goes back and forth until we get as many as we can to schedule by computer...usually 1/2 to 2/3. Then the rest have to be done by hand.

Well, the principal told me in this email, that it's now going to be my job to get it done by the end of school...WTF? We have 15 school days left. We have senior check out next week. That takes me a whole day. I have to go in to each of their transcripts and mark graduated and put in the date. That's another day. We have the day of graduation, which is an all day ordeal, plus I have to work it that night (usually until 10 pm) and then go to work the next day.

Then we have the rest of the student body check out day. I have to print out all the report cards, stuff and mail them. Then I have to print out all the seniors transcripts and send them to all the colleges of their choice, after signing and putting our official seal on each and every one. I have to pull all the seniors files to put into storage to make room for all the incoming freshmen. I have several reports I have to run for the district office and the state board of education.

I don't know how I am supposed to do it. The stress I am feeling right now is crushing. Working at a maximum security prison sounds like a walk in the park. What the hell do I do you guys? I'm afraid that this has been her plan all along to give me the final up the ass. Do I bust my ass and get it done no matter what to just show everyone I can do it. Or do I just do what I can and if it doesn't get done, oh well.

Any advice would be awesome.

Pour my Heart Out

I think it's time to let you all know about the hold this evil woman had on me and why this whole mess has me turned inside out. And why it's taken so long for me to talk about it and to get angry enough to do something about it.

When I first moved here from California, my mother was so pissed. She couldn't believe I was actually moving away and taking her grandchildren so far from her.

I always thought that my mom and I were so very close. We saw each other nearly everyday and talked on the phone off and on through out the day. I didn't realize at the time that her love came with strings attached...no, not strings, ropes and chains. She basically disowned me. Told me I was such a dissappointment. I've never done anything right, etc.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months. I'd take the kids and go down there for visits every 4 weeks or so, trying to mend fences. It took a year to get her to come up here and see my house. My home is beautiful. There is no way we could have afforded anything like this in CA. It's a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath on wooded 5 acres. I have room for a garden. There are fruit trees. We are 1/2 a mile from a huge river that we have a view of from our mountain top. There are deer, wild turkeys, all kinds of wildlife.

We had looked at dozens of houses in CA and the best we could get was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath dumpy fixer in a shitty neighborhood. She never said boo. Not a word about how beautiful it was, the quiet and serenity, nothing! I mean we have this huge deck on the back side that looks out at the view and my yard/garden...nothing! My grandma said she thought she was jealous. I said no one is forcing her to stay where she is. In fact a few years later, she moved from Sonoma County to the LA area...wait, what??? You heard me. From one of the most beautiful places to the concrete jungle.

In the 15 years we have lived here, she only came up 3 times and one of those times was because of my son's graduation and they stayed at a motel in town and came up the day of and turned around and went back the next day . My dad would come up alone 2-3 times a year. He loved it here. He even talked about moving here too, but she'd have no part of it.

So after that visit, I quit trying so hard. At the time, my grandmother was still alive and I was very close with her. She lived in northern CA and I would take the kids and go down and see her often. I was her first grandchild and my kids were her first great grandchildren. She loved us all to pieces. She was my favorite person in the whole world.

Flash forward many years. I get a full time job with this school. I had been on the sub list for years (I had worked in a school district as a special ed assistant for 10 years in CA). So I finally get a position as an ed assist in the alternative education department. I did that for 2 years and then applied and got the position of administrative assistant to the Athletic Director. Then 2 years later, my principal moved me to the registrars position. She felt my computer skills, organizational skills, my attention to detail etc. would be a perfect fit for this position. I've been here for 4 years now.

Up until this time I had had very limited contact with the evil person. Now my office was right next to hers. In the beginning I was scared to death of her because of all the rumors. But as time went on and I got to know her, I thought "This woman isn't so bad". Oh little did I know. I was so naive.

Oh wait...back up. When I was the athletic secretary, my grandma died. It was awful. I felt so lost. But I think it woke my mom up to the fact that life is short and how she had been treating me blah blah blah. We (she) began rebuilding our relationship.

So anyway, last year, January 2011, my mom goes to bed and passed away in her sleep (the same way my grandma did by the way). Just like that she was gone. I got the call on my cell while at work from my brother. I just melted down, right there in my office. Everyone thought I'd just gotten bad news about my son that was in Iraq, because I was just freaking the fuck out.

So I took time off, went to CA to be with the family, help with her arrangements, etc. We had a beautiful memorial. We spread her ashes at sea among the dolphins off Catalina Island. It was truly amazing.

When I got back, I was having trouble with it all. There was still so much unsaid. So many issues left out there. Well, the evil woman saw this, because she had had a similar relationship with her mom. So she started counseling me. She brought me tapes, books, CD's etc. to help get me through it. We got close. I would confide in her. She would listen and give me advice etc.

Now fast forward to this school year. Last November she came and told me that the office manager told her I had had a melt down in the front office with the fax machine (no I didn't, I just smacked it and said "This thing is such a dinosaur, why can't we get a new one"?!) It takes forever to fax anything. It's a piece of crap. I think it's one of the original models they made.

Anyway, she tells me this and I'm thinking, why did the office manager have to tell her that? Weird. So I go ask her why she said that, why not come talk to me herself if she had an issue? Then she says, she hadn't said anything...and I'm thinking "WTF?" Then evil one shuts me out. Doesn't talk to me, doesn't say good morning, nothing.

After about 4 days, I ask "Did I do something to piss you off?" And she says, "Well, I don't appreciate you going to the office manager and checking up on me." And I said "What? I didn't. I just went and asked why she didn't come to me instead." And then it hit me...they were talking to each other about me, but denying it. The hair on my neck stood up and I realized I couldn't trust either one of them. They were up to something. I'd seen this before done to other employees.

Now the office manager is a classified employee like me. She is supposed to be someone we can go to about things and keep it to herself. She is the liaison between us and administration. But in the case of this one, she crossed the line. That's when everything became about work only. I never talked to the evil one about personal stuff again. Once you break trust with me, that's it!

I knew they were up to something. At first I thought I was just paranoid, but then others started noticing it. As I said before, we had seen them do this to others. Then I saw an email from one to the other that had been left on the printer. My suspicions had been confirmed.

So now fast forward to my evaluation. She sits me down at 3:45pm on a Friday afternoon, she knew I was going to be devastated because she said it to me as she handed me the paperwork. She knew my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, how to cut me to the core and she used it all. As I read the evaluation, she was talking and saying mean, cruel, hurtful things. I started crying, I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. She then told me "To knock it off, to stop being such a drama queen." When I could finally speak, "I asked, so what happens now?" And that's when she said "I'm not sure. I've never had to do this before. We will have to check with the principal on Monday. But all I know is you are done. You are no longer wanted here." Then she got up, gathered her stuff, told me to lock her door and left. She fucking left!

When I came out. Everybody was gone. I walked into my office and called my husband. He said he'd come and get me, but I told him no, I'll be okay, just to give me some time, I'll be okay. I sat here for I don't know how long. Then went out and got in my truck and sat there. My husband called and asked again and I said I was okay, I'd be home soon. Then I sat and cried and cried. I called my kids and told them and then cried some more. Finally I was able to drive home about 6:30pm. I was so devastated, so hurt, so scared, everything was crashing down around me. I was thinking what am I going to do? I have all this debt. My husband is laid off. We need my insurance. We both have health issues. My son is getting married this summer, it all just started spinning and swallowing me alive... I thought about suicide.

I didn't sleep at all and when I did it was nightmares about her laughing at me, telling me how worthless I was, my husband leaving me, so on and so forth.The next morning I came up to the school and cleared out my office, because I didn't want to leave that for someone else. I went home and unloaded and put it all in the garage. I spent time in my yard with my dog and my cat. I called my kids, my brothers, my dad and then started taking pills until I passed out. When my husband came home, he put me to bed. He knows that I deal with this kind of thing by sleeping...little did he know. I even had wrote notes and put in my underwear drawer.

But I woke up the next day...I know it was stupid, thoughtless, selfish, but we all know how it is when you are spinning in the darkness. You see only one way out to make it all stop. You just don't want to hurt anymore.

So, there it is and here I am. Just trying to fight my way back. To not only be able to keep my job, but get rid of her. I am in constant contact with my doctor. I'm on anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, etc. It's a good thing I quit drinking 2 years ago, because this is the kind of thing that would have put me into the bottom of a bottle daily. It's the first time in the years since I quit that I am fighting the urge every damn day again. She has been successful in running off teachers, office staff etc. She's just a mean, evil bitch and enjoys it. She needs to go and I want to be the one to take her down.

Have any of you had similar situations? How did you cope. What did you do to manage?

Where Do I Start? So Much in One Day!

Wow, what a crazy ass day! Okay, first I call the guy at the juvenile detention center to set up a time to come meet the staff, tour the facility (which happens to be a maximum security prison for the whole state for male offenders,(we are talking rapist, murderers, the whole shabang)and have my interview. So we set that up for Friday. He actually invited me to come for lunch so I could meet the whole staff at the same time in a relaxed atmosphere (score bonus points for being so nice).

I finally hear from my union rep. It's only been 4 weeks, but who's counting? Anyway, she says she has been working really hard on writing my report for my rebuttal and has been going over all my notes, my documentation and emails from satisfied parents, students, teachers, colleges etc. Then she asked me to scan and email all the letters of recommendation to her so she can see if they'd be of any use. She emailed back a while later and said she was amazed at how good they are. She said she's never seen such good letters of recommendation before. She thinks that they will go a long way to prove our case. She is going to send her report to me in the next couple of days to read over and check for errors, maybe add or change things before we sit down with human resources.

Now the best part...this morning the office manager comes back to ask "the evil one" how scheduling is doing. And she replies "Oh, it's going great! It's like a puzzle. I'm actually having fun". Now mind you this is exactly what I always say about scheduling...then she says loud enough for me to hear "I don't know why (insert my name here) always complains and says she hates it! Ummm no, what I hate is after working on it for the last 2 months of the school year, then part of my summer break, coming back, the principal deciding to have change arena and having to change almost every single one. That's what I hate. Then she says she's going out to the DO to discuss becoming a Dean of Students ( which pays less then her current position of assistant principal) and then do my job as registrar so that they can afford to hire another counselor. As part of budget cuts last year, we let one of the counselors go. She loves this guy and feels bad that he is having to work so hard...the dude make 50k a year...has summers off...oh boo be fucking boo hoo. She thinks he walks on water and has had a really hard time being the only one on campus. So she actually thinks she will be able to do her job (a full time position), my job (a full time position), plus we are getting 2 new administrators this coming fall, so she will have to be helping them and she also is the part time administrator for our off campus alternative school. Yeah, she can do all of it...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I started laughing and had to walk out of the offices I was laughing so hard.

So, I just have to contact my union rep tomorrow and tell her that I have proof that this 70 year old woman has lost her fucking mind and needs to retire before someone gets hurt! I cannot believe that she thinks my job is so easy (which almost is all exclusively done on the computer which she knows shit about) that she will be able to do on top of everything else. Unbelievable. Sort of makes me want to leave just so she will crash and burn, but unfortunately I care too much about the school to let the disaster that would occur take place. Students and teachers would suffer because of her incompetence.



So what would you do? Fight for your job or walk away and let the chips fall where they may?

What a weekend

I am toast, beat, fried, wicked sore and I feel fabulous. I worked out in my yard again today for six hours. It was 90 degrees. I hurt all over, but it's that good hurt. I'm already in bed. I fell asleep on the couch and decided for my husband's sake, I'd come to bed now. I didn't want him to try to move me later after my muscles seize up. I"'ll write more tomorrow, but right now I must sleep. I just hope I can move tomorrow to go to work.